Fluoxetine haze?

Haven't posted for a while what with Christmas and everything. Had still been having panic attacks until today....but today and yesterday - hugely sleepy and lethargic. Can barely move - hoping it just the increase in Fluoxetine kicking in. Regardless...it's not very pleasant....feels like body failing me and shutting down....I don't know.

Life is not about our jobs or the things we own. It's about relationships and appreciating those we love. - Natalie Murphy

Natalie Murphy

Oh man.....now I'm getting shortness of breath and chest pains that I wasn't getting before. Is it all just tension...tension in my chest wall and intercostal muscles? I can't do this anymore - I'm scared to death - scared about death.

And what I have I got to worry about? Really?
Brave and stunning Natalie Murphy died yesterday of breast cancer that had metasticised to her liver and spine  :( 

I shuld have things put into perspective through her story - my health problems aren't going to end my life (well I don't think so) and leave behind a husband and gorgeous son.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/6163075/Natalie-Murphy-passes-away

This beautiful woman decided to remain positive in the face of terminal cancer and her story and the story of her young family saddened and inspired others worldwide.

The pair had planned to renew their vows in March but earlier this month doctors told her she had between two and eight weeks to live so the date was shifted to New Years Day after almost 10 years of marriage. But 35 year old Natalie passed away yesterday after suddenly taking a turn for the worse. Her husband wrote on Facebook that she died "While surrounded by the people she loved the most, she passed peacefully from this world into the next."

Speaking to a radio station less than two weeks ago she said she was finally coming to accept her cancer battle was coming to an end.

"No matter when that last breath comes, I know it will be filled with love and happiness and that makes me one very lucky woman. I can guarantee you that if I died tonight I would die an extremely happy woman," she said.

Thousands of comments have been posted on news websites and on her Facebook page with many inspired by her courage.

One day their son Jackson will read all the amazing tributes and be so proud of his strong, brave, gorgeous, inspirational mum. She has affected so many lives for the better.

Even though I didn't know Natalie, I had been following her story.....an unimaginable ordeal.....having to prepare to miss out on your son growing up. Just. Not. Fair - bad things happening to good people.

I must do her memory justice and pull myself together - put things in perspective girl!

.

Mirena is out

15th December 

Last night was the second session of  the L.I.F.E course and again it was really good. I'd had a rough time during the day. Was fine during the course and then felt sort of flu like afterwards - but it didn't come to anything.
It's been removed, the Mirena - was a piece of cake - didn't feel a thing - didn't even realise she'd removed it - the placing of the speculum was the most uncomfortable thing. So relieved - I swear, I have less lower abdominal discomfort already. Nearly four years....wow. It will be interesting to see how the next couple of months pan out.
Felt quite good for a while after getting that out - but going to the Mall with DH to get some Christmas shopping done perhaps wasn't a good idea....bright fluorescent lights, people everywhere...pushing and shoving....it was too much....my head developed a cramp on the left hand side and I felt very unsteady and woozy.

Completely freaked out once home....crying and crying - I can't describe it - unbelievable distress, discomfort, torture - every minute of every hour. So exhausted from all this.

16th December

And again today - despite using distraction techniques; still the unsteadiness and sudden woozy spells - then off I'd go again - freaked out, shitting myself (literally). It didn't help that I was picking up my son and another boy from their last day at school and look after them both for three hours. How could I possibly do it? Visions of myself passing out and leaving two 5 year old boys to their own devices.

I have noticed though - I do breathe very shallowly - I must be chronically hyperventilating. I tried to breathe more deeply - you know...that diaphragmatic breathing. It only made me more aware of by body......

Its been a really rough week....and now Aunt Flo seems to have arrived again - early...perhaps that's why all the panic. Premenstrual. Tomorrow should be better.

Crack my head open and get 'it' out

Arrgggghhhh I want it out of my head - out of my brain. I want to crack my head open and make it bleed out. I nearly whacked my head on the glass sliding door....it takes all my strength to stop myself doing something like that. I'll bite my arm instead. Sometimes I hit my head really hard with my fists to try to make it stop - try to jolt it out or reset my brain.

This cancer of the mind - it's eating me away.

I wish I could go into hospital for a 'rest' - just sedate me for tow weeks and gently bring me back when it's all over.

Fuck you anxiety - fuck off

Fuck you - you fuckin arsehole, panic attacks. You're getting on my fucking nerves - literally! You need to go away you sneaky piece of shit! Go fuck yourself I'm done with you ! Conniving monster, that wakes up in the morning as soon as I do, if not before, raring to get at me. Anxiety is a very subtle - making 'suggestions' that I can't do it - I can't get through another day - I can't take my son to school. 

I feel broken. I should hang a sign on myself or get a t-shirt - OUT OF ORDER!!!!  Got so bad this morning my son tried to go next door to get help. Such a gorgeous loving understanding boy.

Well fuck you, Anxiety Monster. I’m going to take my son to school. SO THERE. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?   Fuck you. Fuckedy, fuck fuck fuck.

I hate that anxiety has the best of me. It’s destroying our lives. If only it would leave as easily as it arrived.

Now I'm going through the whole can't see properly thing and I'm in some kind of strange parallel universe where things aren't real - none of you look real to me - I don't feel real....I'm giddy, dizzy.

Mirena not coming out today. I freaked...was too damn chicken to be by myself. I've had about 4 various IUD's put in and removed over the years - no problem what-so-ever but today I just couldn't get over thinking I was going to pass out afterwards (or in the waiting room waiting beforehand) when trying to pay. Some vasovagal response or something. Damn it, Damn it. I'm so damn useless and hopeless. How pathetic - 40 years old and terrified in my own skin.

It could have been out by now. Oh well...re-booked for Thursday when husband can come too - it might be useful if ***** is there because we can talk with GP about my depression, the medication etc. And  if doctor tries to talk me out of having it removed there will be two against one!

So panicked just can't rest have to keep a check....on myself ......just in case I need to be in a hospital

Mirena...the trigger of all this?????

Well I was feeling OK and upbeat and looking forward to working on improving. We had friends coming to stay for the weekend to attend a wedding - and we were looking after their nearly 3 year old son.
Our room needed to be prepared for their stay - change sheets on the bed and set up a bed for their son. I undertook that task and cleaned the rest of the house as well. It was good to get the exercise! But.......I couldn't wind down afterwards...I found myself unable to sit still. I was extremely agitated and it freaked me out. My husband and son were out at a birthday party. I thought I might have been feeling apprehensive because our friend is a Clinical Psychologist. I took an 8th of a Clonazepam and by the time they arrived I had calmed down somewhat.

Sunday morning had attack on way to taking our son to his swimming lesson. Husband wondering if it is all due the Mirena because all the nausea and retching started within two months of having that inserted. But I've brought this up with two GPs and the Gyn and they've all said it is unlikely. I'm not so sure - why is all this happening for the most part in the second part of the month? We're waiting for the perimenopause blood tests and will see if that yields anything. And I'm going to have the Mirena removed anyway. I've read heaps of reports of it exacerbating panic and depression - even triggering it some women who have never had panic or depression before. And then there are the weight gain, nausea and vomiting side effects and mild period like pain for the second part of the month. oh BINGO!!!!!!

Anyway - had a hormone sick like headache all day and still have it this morning.....and you know what I'm like about headaches?! My throat feels irritated too but that could be from the vomiting, retching and heartburn stuff. Although freaking that I'm getting the sore throat that some of the Mums have and that this sore throat and headache will kill me.

So I had a huge Panic attack on the way to taking our son to school. I was sitting in the car parked nearby crying and crying and probably hyperventilating. A woman across the road signalled to me - asking if I was OK.  ***** was being so sweet and trying to help me, rubbing my back - telling me I'd be OK and it will get better and he loves me :/  Then the woman across the road came over and hugged me - she clearly knew what was happening. Turns out she has experienced one such attack - she didn't know what it was but was in the hospital at the time. She helped me walk my son in to school and to make sure I was OK to get back home. So very kind - restored my faith in human nature :)

Here are a few of the Mirena effects reported by women:

Headache/migraine
Nervousness
Back pain
Weight increase
Breast pain/tenderness
Acne

Abdominal/pelvic pain
Nausea
Decreased libido
Vomiting
Anaemia
Alopecia
Eczema
Abdominal distension
Altered mood/Depression
Hirsutism
Suicidal Thoughts
Respiratory Problems(bronchitis, mono, asthma, etc.)
Pain in fingers, hands, arms, legs, etc.
Tingling and Vibration in various parts of the body
Heart PalpitationsInsomnia
Thyroid problems

and much more...

That's it......it can't do any harm to have it removed - I'm booked in for tomorrow...can't wait

Self-Management for Life course and Psychotherapy

Last night I had my first of six group sessions at the ProCare Self-Management for life course. And I must say - I feel really positive about it. It seems really well structured and we will cover topics such as

• using our minds to manage symptoms
• problem solving
• difficult emotions
• fitness
• better breathing
• pain
• fatigue
• nutrition
• future plans for health care
• communication
• medications
• making treatment decisions
• depression
• working with health care professionals and the health care system and
• future plans.

Each week we will also make action plans for the rest of the week. An action plan is a plan to do something WE WANT to do (not should or someone else's suggestion) that is achievable, action-specific and we need to define what its will be, how much of it we will do a when and how often and we must have a confidence level of 7 or greater that we will achieve the action. My action plan is to create a small painting over the period of the week and I will work on it half-an-hour a day.

I was concerned that I would be the only one there with depression and anxiety while others would have heart disease, cancer, emphysema, diabetes and other chronic illness - but it turned out every single one of us had some kind of depression/anxiety disorder - so we were all the same but different in that we all suffer the same illness but for different reasons and come from different backgrounds.

I really think this course is going to be very helpful. ***** came along as my support person and has found it so helpful thus far that he is going to continue to come along for the duration of the sessions. :) It is so wonderful to have someone so supportive who wants to understand and to know how to help.

This morning was my psychotherapy appointment and it was.......interesting....to say the least!

She was 10 min late which didn't help me any cos I got all panicky and agitated and was about to leave -I'd just put my business card under the locked door as she arrived.

Then it turned out she was a metaphysical psychotherapist and talked about me being stuck in the past and the future where I need to be in the NOW.

She believes that I'm obsessed with dying cos Dad talked about not making it to 40 and his Mum...Nana **** was a hypochondriac who spent 20 plus years in a rest home thinking she was dying and waiting to die and that probably rubbed off on Dad. Dad talked about not making it to 40 all the time. I remember walking up the stairs one night and he was sitting drinking Jim Beam and told me he wasn't going to live past 40 and that I had to look after ***** when he was gone. It freaked me out at the time - as if he 'knew' he was going to die young or that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Of course - now I'm 40 and think I'm dying!! But perhaps he was depressed but we didn't know it in those days - thinking about death - and his self medicating by smoking and drinking.

But I also said I think I get it from both sides and said I think Mum has O.C.D and perfectionist traits and Nan used to have 'turns' where she would go out and have to come home and lie down on the couch. It is my suspicion now that she was getting panic attacks.

She believes it's my time to break the family cycle and make sure ***** doesn't get it. and then she starting talked about palm reading and clairvoyants and how she thinks I have a vital life energy and I'm not depressed just fearful and anxious.

Then she......of all things.......read my palm!!! She was pretty odd. She said that there was nothing in my palm to suggest that I would die young. I'm successful and creative apparently and have a spiritual side that I 've lost touch with. My health line looks good but does suggest problems with anxiety and digestion....similar to what I was told when I had my palm read in India where I was told I'd live into my early 80s!!

I'm to meditate and write up a gratefulness diary - as soon as I wake up I have to write down something I'm grateful for and that will set up myself for better thinking  during the day (this grateful diary thing is something I have to do for the above course too; only I have to write what I'm grateful for and how I've helped to make it happen to show me that I can and do still do good things).

Hmmmmm...so parts of the psychotherapy were good...I'll just take what I find useful from it and stick with the far more practical and empirical course!!

Near death experience

Oh boy - really bad panic attack today. Had to go and fill the car with petrol (perhaps that was the problem - the heart attack inducing cost of petrol). Did that OK...and then proceeded to go to the garden centre to buy some small succulents. I was at the counter paying ($20 for five) and it hit me - its so hard to describe but here goes:

I felt like I was falling over sideways and was going to pass out - visual disturbances and all that. I really thought I would collapse this time. Then my legs felt like lead and I thought they weren't going to hold me let alone carry me! It tried to take a deep breath while simultaneously telling myself it was just panic and I'd be ok. I wasn't convinced....I had to get out immediately. Thank goddness the sale was completed and I could go before I made a bumbling fool of myself or worse! But just getting outside didn't help...I had to walk to the car and then think about driving it. I felt so totally out of control. Would my legs carry me to the car...was I going to collapse here in the carpark?

It's ok, it's ok it's ok, it's ok - became my mantra. And then I drove as if I had a death wish - argggghhhhh. Got home - feeling miserable - defeated. Why won't this leave me? I'm so NOT convinced that there isn't anything terminally 'wrong' with me.

Sigh - I know that this is all to do with my thoughts and misinterpretation of symptoms that are not dangerous or important. But it's just so hard to stop it. My thoughts have become obsessions-compulsions.

Arrgggghhhhh this is torture, torment, anguish, agonising misery.

I'm in so much mental and physical pain. I really thought time was up today - somehow this attack felt much worse than others gone before.

I've got my group self-management (oxymoron I know self-help group) course tonight and my individual session with a psychologist tomorrow. Even my GP called and left message asking how I was getting on and for me to call and touch base tomorrow morning. Help is on its way...........that is if it is help for the correct thing that is.

Descriptive stuff - some of it plagarised

I was nearly twenty before my family and I found that there was a name for the strange feelings sometimes happened to me. Later, I learnt that it has gone by many names -black dog, bell jar, noonday demon, malignant sadness - but in my teens I just assumed that my panics and days of disproportionate, isolating despair were part of every teenager's repertoire -how else would various bands have sold so many records?

The medical profession calls it a ‘major depressive episode’ but I’ve been knocked over by a multitude of feelings, sensations and symptoms. Not just depression but agitation, anxiety, terror, panic, grief, desperation, despair and an almost irresistible desire to be dead (despite my fear of dying). And it’s been going on for a VERY long time. Every single day for at least six months I’ve felt like I’ve had to battle to stay alive. I’ve literally gotten through each day minute-by-minute and hour by long hour trying to hang on until it’s time to go to bed. And when daylight savings came in and the clocks went forward I felt worse – an extra hour of daylight to get through.

Wave after wave of thick black tarry agony has been sloshing around in my head - surging through my limbs and gut and I’ve been powerless to stop it. Some people describe depression as feeling like they are living in a gold fish bowl - where you can see everyone around you carrying on as normal but you’re stuck swimming around in circles behind the glass. I feel like that but add to that a feeling of being poisoned by my own body. My brain is squirting out toxic chemicals that poison and kill any positive thoughts. Sometimes I feel catatonic – others times I’m so agitated – awaking early (3am) arriving into the day with a sickening jolt and tremulous with anxiety. I feel then that I want to take a benzo to go back to sleep and shut it all out again. Sometimes the damn panic demons get me in my sleep and I wake in full nocturnal panic – needing to shit myself and feeling unable to catch my breath.

Sometimes I am so agitated and desperate to escape how I feel and how I’m thinking that I’m like a hamster on a wheel – feverishly pulling at my fringe, clawing at my head in my hands. Digging my elbows into my knees. Sometimes I start to talk with someone and I get stuck – words won’t form. Reading is often impossible – by the time I’m at the end of a sentence I forgotten what the start said.

Oh when will this God-damn awful buzzing through my body stop? This really is in the words of Elizabeth Wurtzel - something akin to getting an unavoidable visit from my least favourite relative; an exercise in superhuman endurance. Depression is solitary no matter how many care for you. It is blacker than any psychological thriller. It is NUTS! You don’t know what to think, what to do.

I can’t eat, sleep, write, read or talk to people. The worst thing is that I feel this will never end. Depression is an illness, but unlike a broken leg no one can see it and you don’t know when it’ll get better.

“That’s the thing about depression. A human being can survive almost anything, as long as the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key”. - Elizabeth Wurtzel Prozac Nation


If you are going through hell, keep going - Winston Churchill

Psychomotor agitation and retardation and self-harming

I think I have psychomotor retardation. I feel like I can't move....I can't get up to get myself food. I want to go back to bed. It feels like a slowing or shutting down of my body - I guess its because I've exhausted myself. Perhaps its adrenal exhaustion from spurting out too much cortisol??!!

"Psychomotor retardation involves a slowing-down of thought and a reduction of physical movements in an individual. Psychomotor retardation can cause a visible slowing of physical and emotional reactions, including speech and affect. This is most-commonly seen in people with major depression ; it is also associated with the adverse effects of certain drugs, such as benzodiazepines"

And yesterday I think I had psychomotor agitation:

"Psychomotor agitation is a series of unintentional and purposeless motions that stem from mental tension and anxiety of an individual. This includes pacing around a room, wringing ones hands, pulling off clothing and putting it back on and other similar actions. In more severe cases, the motions may become harmful to the individual, such as ripping, tearing or chewing at the skin around ones fingernails or lips to the point of bleeding. Psychomotor agitation is a symptom typically found in major depressive disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I was chewing at the inside of my mouth and lips because I felt like those areas were itchy and tingly - they were certainly irritated. I also felt like I had 'something' inside me I needed to get out - I've had this sensation before and hitting my head or pulling at my hair seemed to help 'get it out'. Yesterday I felt so agitated and irritable that I bit my arm as hard as I could. There is still a mark. I guess this equates to self-harm......I can see why others do it - to get some relief. Its a coping mechanism to provide temporary relief or distraction from intense feelings such as anxiety and depression.

Why do people deliberately self-harm?

•	To release tension or angry feelings
•	To distract themselves from emotional pain
•	To snap out of dissociation
•	To feel "real"
•	To stop having a panic attack
•	To stop lashing out at others
•	To escape problems by getting "out of it"
•	Self hatred

Forgive me....I was wrong .......and online descriptions of panic attacks

OK...so I was wrong. DH wasn't ignoring me.....because I am so self-centred at the moment and can't think of anything other than my own symptoms.....I forgot that DH had his work Christmas lunch today and that is why his phone was off and why he wasn't answering emails :( :(  How terrible is that?! Just because my life seems unreal doesn't mean that others aren't getting on with their lives :( :(  I am so thoughtless.

Why can't I get my shit together???!!! I'm a scientist - I understand the physiology of panic yet I cannot seem to rationalise it for myself. telling myself that my body is responding as it should to my thought processes doesn't help - the symptoms of panic are so damn frightening, upsetting, uncomfortable and debilitating.

I just found these interesting descriptions of panic:

 

"The worst, most uncomfortable thing that could ever happen to someone. (Death comes a close second)" - Urban Dictionary.

 

"The absolute worst possible feeling a person can ever experience. Period. Basically having a panic attack feels like impending doom even though absolutely nothing can be going wrong in the outside world" - Urban Dictionary. 

"It  just majorly sucks balls to go through a (real) panic attack - NO ONE deserves to feel this shitty" -Urban Dictionary.

 

"If I met the man who murdered my grandmother, and had the option of making him experience panic attacks as punishment, I don't think I would. Crushing his nuts with 2 bricks would be a less severe punishment" - Urban Dictionary.

 

"Experiencing a panic attack has been said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life and may take days to initially recover from" - Wikipedia

 

I'm really not having a good day. The inside of my mouth feels irritated - bit of heartburn too. So very very tired as well. Maybe I've got the point where I have - really - just exhausted myself.

 

I wish I knew if this will end if and if so, when this will end.

 

Depleted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think everyone has decided to ignore me when I have a panic attack and make me get through it on my own- just to show me I can get through it. My brother won't reply on SKYPE and I can't get hold of my husband. I have to pick up my son from school soon but I'm scared I'll black out or won't be able to see or cause an accident in the car or die.

Is it really panic or could it be something else?!!!!  Oh help.... oh help......

http://www.depression.org.nz/content/depression/self+test


Crikey my score is 25 out of 27 :(   I didn't realise I was quite that bad....

It never rains but it pours

Just when I though no-one could or would help I get a call from my supervisor at work telling me that they've arranged C.B.T for me through the Employee Assistance Program (even though I am a PhD student and not an employee). How wonderful is that?! They appreciate my work so much and see me as part of the fixtures and fittings and want to help me. I have sessions starting next week.

Then later in the day I get a phone call from one of the psychologists at ProCare (the public health psych service) - my GP has got me on the urgent list - despite that the waiting list is long and I won't get to see anyone prior to Christmas - but they've managed to put me on a six-week self management course aimed at helping people with chronic conditions like depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, pain etc. It's all a start on the road to getting better .....yay.

I also had a visit from my supervisors partner who has travelled a similar road and only recently come to a better place. It was good to hear her story and the similarities. It was also refreshing to here that this will never go away - will always be a part of me but it manageable...it needed be a bad thing. It was refreshing in that most people tell you it doesn't last forever, it ends.....but that's not quite true!! I feel that one always I has the propensity to fall if one has had an episode already.

Despite all this or because of perhaps - I'm utterly exhausted. I want to have a lie down but I have to pick up my son from school soon and it would be terrible if I slept through. I also feel a bit faint and unsteady and panicky....damn it....despite this budding sense of hope. My cheeks feel strange but I'm thinking it might actually be from unknowingly clenching my jaw. My whole face and head needs a massage. My head feels foggy and heavy.....is this really all depression and anxiety?

It's very warm and humid today - perhaps that's the problem.

Still with the nausea and retching :(   Perhaps it has become a 'learned' behaviour???!!!

I want to die

I can't do this anymore. I've thrown up at least once every day for the past week. My stomach is so sore - I feel like I've been punched. I'm so tired and I'm fed up and pissed off with the world. I want to die. The only thing stopping me is my son. I've got it all planned - I'll take all the pills available to me and slit my wrists - vertically not horizontally - that way I'll be asleep as I bleed to death.

It makes everything one hundred times worse that I have my son - it makes me realise how awful I feel; how difficult it is to enjoy him even though he is the sweetest, most wonderful kind and loving boy. I hate having him see me like this - all the vomiting and retching. This morning he laughed at me and imitated the noise (not so kind and loving this morning but maybe just his way of dealing with it). I don't want him to remember me this way.

I'm so angry today - paralysed with it.

No one realises the extent of this - probably because I still manage to achieve despite my 'near death experiences'. I just don't /can't / won't care anymore. I can't bring myself to do anything.

I'm tired.

Mental health services need a shake-up

Well....I mentioned recently that I had applied to the student emergency fund for monies to help at least until I know if I will be getting a scholarship for next year. Get this.......the stupid sad sacks have granted me a one off $40.00 food voucher.......wow.....that'll sure go a long way!!!!! That's a fuckin' insult - what's the point?! And I have to go in to the University within five days to pick the voucher up!!! It'll cost $6.00 in bus fares to get there - or goodness knows what in petrol and parking!!!! They could've come up with more if they had of had a whip-around the department. I'm pissed off - I'm feeling VERY angry and pissed off and fed up with the world. I cried and cried and cried. This week has been awful - nausea, vomiting, pain, no money and now this.

And to make matters worse - I got an appointment with my GP to discuss my thoughts that my hormones are making everything worse - the panic the PMS etc -possible perimenopause. I got scoffed at...despite having over a years worth of symptom charting (haven't presented it in graph form just yet - but I didn't really think the GP would require a PowerPoint presentation!!!!!). Argggghhhhhh.

I made her give me a form to get a series of blood tests done to check my hormone levels. I also reminded her that I asked for an accession code for online C.B.T and that I'd called reception and left messages - twice. Her excuse was that she doesn't know how to access it and that my wanting to use the online C.B.T was akin to plucking herbal remedies off the shelf in an attempt to try and fix things - hang on a minute - wasn't online C.B.T one of your ideas???!!!!!

She was also supposed to put me on the public waiting list to see a psychiatrist - seems to have forgotten that too - could be waiting six months to a year to see anyone! We certainly can't pay to go private.

I'm pissed off with the world and most people in it today - the University and their measly $40. How long can a 10kg bag of rice last? Perhaps I could buy two bottle of wine??!!! The doctors being slack arses...
Myself for being like this....The University rejecting my six month funding extension despite all my achievements and grades - do they not want to support PhD completion?

Arrghghghgghghghhhhhhhhhhhhh

It's election day here today - I hope my vote along with everyone else's makes some kind of change.

Aunt Flo

Oh the relief - Aunt Flo arrived early - definitely something up with my hormone balance - imbalance! Throwing up big time yesterday. Massive panic attacks - hot and cold, night sweats, low back pain - period like pain all week with no period (until now).

Actually - I'm not feeling that relieved - I'm washed out, exhausted, weepy and scared I'm going to die from the exhaustion. This is all so overwhelming, depressing and debilitating.

I suppose I had better go to the GP and tell her all this........but I just don't trust anyone anymore.....besides I can't face sitting in the waiting room and I don't have $37.00 to spare. I begrudge giving them money when they haven't followed through on what I asked. What are they going to do anyway - take blood tests....how reliable are those? Will have have to have a blood test every week of my next cycle? Then what? a trial of HRT? Or do I change my diet, keep up the herbal stuff.

Or do I just shut up and put up despite all these debilitating symptoms - besides...all women go through it?!

Help.....help oh please help

Oh help...help....I'm so scared - I can't see properly - there's a fuzzy patch in the centre of my vision. I've been having nausea, retching and vomiting all week. The retching was so bad this morning - I had nothing to throw up....was making horrendous noises trying to get something up to make me feel better.
Oh God...this visual disturbance is freaking me out. I'm dying, I'm dying....it's a stroke.

Had to call husband. Huge cry, huge panic......feel slightly better after big cry. Fuzzy patch gone - but exhausted now - headache. Eyelid twitching. My brain is fried!

Just can't keep on doing this. Really, really had enough...I'm not functioning well at all....this is destroying me an my family. I don't like my son seeing this happening....I don't like him having to see or hear me retch and vomit all the time. I just don't know what to do.......what is going on really? What is it - just tell me what it is and I'll feel better for knowing? Arrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhh. Is it hormones, is it depression, anxiety, panic disorder - really? Or is it something more?

Car trouble

Now the effin car needs work. Thought it was the transmission but it turns out to be the less costly brake drum. Still $250.00 that we just don't have. I'm not getting paid a stipend at the moment and trying to source funds to complete my PhD from elsewhere. ***** earns too much for us to be eligible for any support from the government yet we have around $20,000 in personal loans between us that we have to try and pay - let alone food and stuff.  Have applied to the University for the student emergency fund (SEF). It had better bloody well come through for us.

But we need our car as well. $250 seems like such a small amount but it's huge to us. We thought we'd have $600.00 put aside for Christmas and presents because Lloyd's granted us one month holiday from loan repayments on our overseas loan....but there goes that - and there goes Christmas.....try explaining that to a five year old :(

My head hurts - all I can do is cry

DH managed to extend his personal loan - not ideal but the best we can do. We have our car back.

Nausea

Ahhh man......more nausea and vomiting this morning. It's gotta be hormones. I feel awful. Sick. Headache. I just don't know what to do.....crying, crying, more crying.

Pesky hormones

I've about had enough. I struggle on and on...think I'm getting a bit better - only to fall again. I'm so tired of being sick and tired.

Had my follow up with the hospital on Friday. HUGE freak out in the waiting room - I don't do waiting rooms, queues or meetings very well at the moment. Feel the need to escape - weird sensations of choking, faintness...tunnel vision come over me.

By the time I got into the surgeon's office I was in a right state - she was lucky I had stayed around rather than taking off in the lift and getting in my car to drive home. I started to calm down. We went over the images taken during my surgery to divide the adhesions - the ones they divided were long and stringy. I was able to see the very white and dense adhesions sticking my right ovary and right fallopian tube to the right side of my uterus....these adhesions they couldn't divide.

Told her that my belly button incision had only just healed at 8 weeks and that stitches had been poking out....she just screwed up her face knowingly but it appears that this is a common experience.

I told her I'm still having the cyclical nausea and vomiting. She actually suggested I might be peri-menopausal and to continue with my keeping of a diary and plot all the symptoms in a graph. OK....I have over a years worth of data!!!!

Seems very likely all my symptoms occur for a few days every two weeks......such that I have about 10 good days a month if I'm lucky :(  :(  :(

I'm to try Vitex agnus castus and she'll see me again in 3 months with my graphs - we'll decide what to do after that.

Venturing back to work

The last couple of days have been OK. I ventured back into work and had some - relatively speaking - mild panic attacks. But somehow I was able to recognise that I had been indulging in a lot of negative self talk and that continued and I was breathing very shallowly at the same time the panic happened. I was able to diffuse it quite quickly....and going for a quick walk around the site helped too :)

I don't want to think about it too much though and I'm hesitant to say I've turned the corner for fear I might slip back - it's happened before. I'll take these good days and just enjoy them as that for the time being! Hopefully the odd not so good day won't affect me too much - besides everyone has good and bad, up and down days......

Caffeine

Still waiting - still no response from the GP. I figured I'd try contacting the 'Beating the Blues' website http://www.beatingtheblues.co.nz/ directly and explain my situation and ask if they would provide me with an activation code for their 'free' program. But the bloody contact us link doesn't work. I've tried three times. What is a depressed anxious person with panic disorder and agoraphobia to do?! Blatantly asking for help and making 'their' job easy but still can't get help. Oh well.....guess I'll keep on with 'trying' to help myself.

Pup-spresso, dog-a-chino

To top things off - I have no money to buy a coffee today and I've run out of plunger and instant at home. My 5 year old son's wallet doesn't have enough coinage. I've looked behind and under the couch cushions and done the same in the car. Checked jacket pockets.....aaarrrggghhhh....nothing.

But hey - I managed a brisk walk and found that someone had put a Tony Hawk Tech Deck quarter pipe out in a pile of rubbish - my son is going to LOVE that :)

Did I mention that I am trying to start running? I found a booklet about running and the runners high (endorphins) kicking depression in the butt. Thought I'd give it a go - especially since in the midst of a full blown panic attack I feel the need to run and run and run - escape....

Done it twice now - my thighs hurt.....

Why am I waiting......?

After posting those stunning pictures and after having yet another panic attack - thinking this damn head cold is somehow going to cause my brain to stop functioning and hence cause me to die - I felt I should continue with my struggle to beat this.

I really despise having to chase up GPs. Now I'm chasing up my new GP (who I thought was going to be really good) to get the activation code for the 'beating the blues' online C.B.T. program. Doctors they just don't get it do they?! Here, I am trying to do something about getting better and they sit on their feckin arses while people who aren't very well, are tired, have no motivation and are agoraphobic have to chase THEM up. It's no wonder there are so many mentally ill people wandering around. And they wonder why our suicide rate is so high - when one is already feeling useless and like they don't matter - having GPs that fail to help reinforces those thoughts. I know they are busy but if they can't deal with it they should say so and refer us  to someone who can help. That's all I was asking for - some guidance and help to recover - to steer me in the right direction.

C'mon Doc - I've made it easy for you - I've told you what's wrong......

Lets see if the message I left at reception gets through and some action is taken. I'll keep you posted.

Stunning pics taken by a friend during her stay in Zambia

Images like this remind of the beauty to be seen and enjoyed in life - they make me want to recover and live



Hemlock in my salad

Sooooo...yesterday I was eating a Thai beef salad I had made myself - including salad greens mix. I bit into something rather bitter and spat it out. I swore it looked like a plant from the Umberliferae family with its little clustered flower heads. Could it possibly be....hemlock......nah surely not. Surfing the net looking for images - and botanical literature describing leaf morphology etc. Realised it wasn't hemlock but it took me a good two hours to reassure myself that it was more likely a bit of mizuna gone to seed! This is how my mind works ....gets obsessed with something - usually something that is about to cause my imminent death - and it sticks....and I freak out - have a full blown panic attack.

And today - I wake up with a head cold and irritated throat. But of course I have to think the worst - this is going to kill me...yada yada ...then my head gets stuff, eyes feel numb, ears get a sensation of fullness and I feel weak and dizzy. Instead of attributing this to a mild cold; I have to think I'm going to pass out and die :(

Oh God...too scared to leave the house and finish hanging out the washing let alone post *****'* present. I need to eat too.....that will probably help...but too scared to get up from computer. Feel numbness between my eyes....is this just a cold? Really?

Can't concentrate, can't focus...can't be responsible, rational....arggghhhhhhhh

I'm constantly scared I'm going die and leave ***** behind and miss out on him - and I freak out at the school and can't wait for the bell to ring so that I can make my escape. And then I when ***** gets sick I'm constantly checking him cos I'm scared I'm going lose him. These are my EVERYDAY obsessions. I'm obsessive about death and illness and trying to keep things tidy.

Oh please please make it stop

Up and Down

Things have been really up and down. The weekend of 29th - 30th October was great. Forgot about myself and had fun at the beach. The boys slathered me in mud. Halloween was heaps of fun too (even the Monday at work went without a hitch).

Tuesday - ah Tuesday; I've always hated Tuesdays (enforced ballet lessons in the afternoons when I was younger). Had a massive panic attack whilst using the robot at work. Shaking, off balance felt sure that THIS time I was dying. All I could do was cry and cry and try to expel some of the stress. Headache; upset stomach - I freak out whenever I get a headache cos I keep thinking its a sure sign that I'm having a brain haemorrhage; or a haemorrhage is imminent. Made a complete fool of myself crying at work - 40 years old and scared of my own body. Took off home when everyone had gone to lunch.

Wednesday my period arrived! Hmmmmm there seems to be a pattern here - the worst attacks are cyclical (mid cycle and menses). I've been having night sweats too - perhaps I'm perimenopausal. I'll keep a diary and take it to the doctor - or perhaps mention it at my six week post-op check up (will really be more like 9-10 weeks!!). So sore and bloated - look 6 months pregnant!

Attempted to go back to work on Thursday - that went fine too. But by evening a sudden pain flared up in my mouth and a mouth ulcer had appeared. I started to freak that it might be something fatal!!! Was expected to go to a wee informal celebration at Viola in Sandringham on Friday at 10 - but freaked out prior to that and......yes missed it. It seems that any responsibility I have or any commitment and I freak out that I can do it - then I can't do it!

Saturday was fine (mouth ulcer managed with Bonjela)- managed to run four plates at work and analyse the data. Sunday was OK too until I realised at about lunchtime that I had a mild headache and slightly irritated throat. We went for a walk out by Karekare beach on the west coast. Didn't start out too well but was fine by the end of it.

Fast forward - today - Monday. Decided I couldn't possibly face work and will write from home - actually get a tonne done at home! Think I'm dying from this probable mild viral illness that I may have picked up from *****. I've been freaking out every morning while in the process of dropping ***** at school. I can't wait for the 8.45 bell to go so that I can make a run for it.

Feel unsteady - off balance - as if falling to my left hand side. Feel like I'm going to shit my pants - funny it all passes shortly after I remove myself from the situation. Oh God...what am I going to do? This HAS to stop; I can't go on like this. A very small part of me wants to die so that I don't have to feel like this anymore. Don't worry - I'm far too scared of death to do anything silly. And there's ***** - I'm so scared of leaving him. I don't want to miss out on seeing him grow up to be a lovely young man.

Must chase up the doctor about log in details for the online C.B.T.
And I might change my hair colour......

Back to Glandular Fever 2001

So far so good today. Managed to produce an exploratory scatterplot (as much as I despise statistics - sadistics)! But my left arm feels a bit numb and tingly today. I feel soooooooo exhausted. Time for a rest today and it is a gorgeous sunny day.

I want to go an buy cards for Morva and Wendy at Emergency Psych Services (EPA) who helped me get through that awful crisis day where I couldn't feel my pulse, I was dying - yet I couldn't sit still - racing around the room - pawing at myself - 'get it out - get it out'. I want to do something really special for ***** too but it might take a while to think of something unique and extra special.

Despite being knackered according to ***** I am 200% better than Monday already!

22nd Sept 2001

Oh boy bad morning. I'm shaking, my head spinning and burning. I feel faint - I'm going to pass out. Ok, ok I've been through this before and came out of it ok. I feel better if I sit still on my bed with my legs crossed and my head in my hands.

I'm so upset - I thought I was doing so well. What if I faint and don't wake up? I need to be able to go back to work, to study - Oh God...I have so much to do, but no strength. I feel like there is no end to this - please stop - I have a life to live.

Had a cup of coffee - first in over a week - maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

I had a sleep for two hours - woke up tired but made a start on an assignment. I've been told...no ordered not to. Regretfully I agree.

Don't feel good at all today.

• I'm choking
• I'm hot
• Limbs feel numb

All this and I'm lying in bed in partial sun. I'm really scared.

My doctor has told me that with glandular fever (GF) I have to decide on each day if it is a good day or not and pace myself according to that.

I keep thinking about Angela D'Audney's brain tumour and how she would have been dead with 10 days if it hadn't been found. I guess I don't have any neurological symptoms (not really convinced that I don't).

Glandular Fever
Ghastly
Lethargic
Angry
Neurosis
Debilitating
Unable
Languid
Afraid
Restless

Fucked
Exhausted
Vicious
Emaciated (went from 62 to 55 kg with two weeks)
Rampant

***** has gone to the rugby and now I am scared I will pass out and die while he's out. This is stupid, I don't feel that much different to other times and I've coped (just) the last couple of days at home alone.

Please please help me I'm beyond scared. So fatigued but cannot rest.

Arrrgggghhhhh nervous poohs. Have had a big cry - feel a bit better after loo and cry.

Sunday 23rd Sept 2001

So far so good...oaty pancakes with grilled banana for breakfast. Feeling ok....just weary. Just another day of rest (after all it is Sunday) and I'll be fine.

Exams are less than a month away and I have missed most of the lectures. I'm getting really worried about this because I like to do exceptionally well. The expectations I put on myself are probably part of the reason I've ended up like this anyway.

Went up to the Gardens in the car (***** driving) to see the birds at the Aviary - something I still enjoy. I like spending time up there. A couple of the parrots are quite cheeky. very very tired after the visit.

Had 2.5 hr nap in the afternoon. Feeling OK.

8.30 pm - uh oh....feel funny again. Became aware of heavy head and strain to watch TV. Felt urge to go to the toilet in a hurry. Burning scalp.....thinking abt neurological diseases again. I want a scan to make sure my brain is structurally ok.

IT IS JUST GLANDULAR FEVER - but how long will it go on for? OH FOR A NICE CLEAR HEAD.

Felt lightheaded and nauseous before bed. Feel scared about the sensations of my body. I'm not convinced I'm not dying :(   Oh boy - I have to stop this. I'm ok....just exhausted. The heavy muzzy foggy light head or whatever it is makes me feel like I might lose consciousness and not wake up. Sometimes I get scared that I might have a seizure and that the GF itself is doing neurological damage. Sigh

Oh no...its happening again. I keep needing to put my hands up to my head. I don't want to turn out the light to go to sleep. Shaky.

Concentrate on breathing - its shallow - I must be hyperventilating. Had a bit of a cry - feel like my body is shutting down; not functioning properly. Got to try and relax - easier said than done! Feel hot and shaky, really scared - please please make it stop. Must sleep....at least I can't feel any of the distressing sensations when I'm asleep......

Friday 21st October 2011

Skip forward in time to today.

Today is not such a good day. I had a diagnostic laparoscopy 5 weeks ago and I'm still uncomfortable. Is this to be expected? My abdomen feels tight and I have vague pains near by umbilical incision. In fact I can squeeze pus out of the incision and can see a stitch poking out! Presumably it takes a while for absorbable sutures to dissolve???!!! I read somewhere up the three months. Is that correct? I have an appointment with my new GP today to review what I'm planning to do about my depression/anxiety/agoraphobia. I'll ask then - if I'm granted enough time! I also feel like someone is trying to pull out my uterus and have pain over might right ovary area. This is where adhesions were found and divided. It is also the site of the removal of an ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit in 1989. This old surgery is probably the cause of the formation of the adhesions. The adhesions are causing my right ovary to stick to my right fallopian tubes that is in turn adhered to my uterus - the surgeons couldn't do anything about that but they did divide the adhesions from my right ovary to bowel to right abdominal wall. I thought all the cyclical pain would end after the surgery - it hasn't....but perhaps things are still inflamed in there! Time will tell.

In the meantime I'm freaking that i have peritonitis or something and I'm about to die. My doctor's appointment is two hours away and I just can't wait that long - then there's the wait in the waiting room - torture (panic attack inducing).

It is our son's last day at preschool today - perhaps I am anxious and tied up in knots about that? I just know I am going to be so emotional - the staff have been absolutely amazing and the place is more like extended family. We can't thank them enough and are so sad that ***** has to leave to go on to primary school :(  But the time has come and we are all excited for ***** starting big boy's school :)

Perhaps it is the expectation to perform - to turn up at the preschool where I have felt giddy and panicky before. I also need to pop into work for a few hours today - also the expectation to perform - I have to help out a colleague.

I just can't do it - don't want to do it - I don't want to HAVE to do anything - I'm too tired....so tired....so exhausted - surely I'm at the limits of human endurance....


Later: Well doctor was running late - guess what....had a panic attack in the waiting room. Thought my vision was fading out. I was so agitated...surely someone must've noticed my fidgeting! I searched 'Having a panic attack in the doctor's waiting room' and found an interesting blog to occupy me until Dr ******** came out of her office. It all went well...things are progressing - psychiatrist being called to arrange prescription for new drug (Avanza), password for online CBT - 'Beating the Blues' in progress. Abdomen was palpated, seems fine. Discussed the pulling sensations, pain etc and found out that most people are only 80% healed by 6 months, that's right 6 months after abdominal surgery and that includes laparoscopy. I mentioned that I had heard two weeks - but was told 'on the outside maybe'. I have permission to pull at and cut off the suture poking out of my belly button if I wish....it won't dissolve if not exposed to my bodily fluids! And sutures CAN take up to three months to dissolve!! All very reassuring.

Later again: Psychiatrist won't prescribe Avanza - wants me to try adding nortriptyline to fluoxetine. No way.....I've read that there are major interactions between the two. Apparently that's a psychiatrist's prerogative! I'll sleep on it......or maybe I'll come right with the status quo and increased exercise and CBT.

Mental Symptoms and thoughts associated with panic attacks

These are the thoughts I have when in the grip of a panic attack - have also been documented as common experience

• I'm going to die
• terror - sense of impending doom - something unimaginably terrible is about to happen
• I'm losing control'
• This will never end
• I'm terrified, really scared
• I'm going to pass out and die
• I'm having a stroke/brain haemorrhage
• I won't be able to get out of here - I'm going to make a scene
• what is happening to me
• I'm going to throw up
• I must have a brain tumour
• I'll choke to death
• I'm going blind
• I'm going to scream, babble, talk funny
• I'm becoming paralysed
• something is really physically wrong with me
• I can't breathe
• no-one understands and no-one can help
• Nothing is real
• Racing thoughts - loud internal dialogue

Bodily Symptoms of Panic Attacks

These are the symptoms I have during a panic attack and that have been documented elsewhere

• Hot-flashes - warm all over
• tremors
• weak or rubbery knees/legs
• dry mouth
• lump in throat
• tightness in chest
• choking-smothering sensations
• nausea
• diarrhoea
• dizzy - lightheaded
• feeling of unreality as if in a dream
• poor concentration
• blurred vision - tunnel vision
• feeling of being partially paralysed
• feeling of detachment or floating away
• feeling like body is shutting down or dying
• tingling in hands, feet and face
• feeling faint
• buzzing sensation going through body
• headache
• claustrophobia

Glandular Fever Diary 2001

19th Sept

'Head felt like it was burning. Thought I might be having a stroke or haemorrhage, or maybe a brain tumour? Went and looked at my pupils in the mirror. Phew - they were even! Prior to all this I was working on the computer for an assignment. Felt like I had to go to the toilet in a hurry - sick of that. Started to write - trying to avoid taking a clonazepam. Feel a bit woozy. Don't recall what I was thinking about other than the intro for a red algae assignment!'

20th

' Yay, slept without needing to take clonazepam. Got up and showered but felt a bit shaky afterwards. Took a while to settle down after that. Scalp burning and head is heavy. Have Globus Hystericus. can't think of what triggered this. Picked up Claire Weekes 'Self help for your nerves' and read over symptoms of nervous illness again and again to reassure myself. I haven't taken a pill because I need to drive into town to do some photocopying and get a glue stick. Took 30 mg fluoxetine and had a lemon tea.

Ok...I give up, I'm taking a pill to settle me.

3pm - didn't take one. I have to accept this illness and slow down, stop fighting.

4pm - did take one. Someone came to check the roof and I can over all hot and giddy and urgent need for loo (couldn't go cos they were working right by the loo door!). Felt like I needed to call ***** straight away. I felt like I did at the Emergency Psych Services before they gave me the clonazepam. IT WENT AWAY THEN SO IT WILL GO AWAY NOW! 

I fell asleep. When I woke I was in a state of panic. Thought I'd taken too much clonazepam - but can't have only had half of a 0.5 mg pill!! Sleep probably did me good. I feel so very weak. My skin feels like it is burning - I'm nauseous. Scared again - fear of death and all that.

21st Sept

Oh boy - the dreaded morning feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to still be alive, but after a decent nights sleep I expect to feel 100%. Of course I find myself disappointed. Head foggy, scalp burning. I'm not enjoying being at home because this is where it all started - but I'm bedroom bound now - severe agoraphobia. Change of scene would be good. I'm going to rearrange the bedroom furniture - after all, its bead Feng Sui to have your feet poking out towards the door from your bed - symbolises being carried out in a coffin. No way I want that!!

Somehow I managed to finish my poster - life history of the Floridean seaweed: Polysiphonia. Looks pretty damn good if I might say so myself! :)

To be continued......

A bit of history

My first episode of depression probably happened when I was about 16 or 17 - although we (my family and I) never clicked on to what it was - I guess no-one gave mental illness a thought in the 80s - or didn't want to acknowledge it. My Dad had died suddenly at the age of 37 from a cerebral haemorrhage, when I was 14 and my brother, 11. I don't think I started to grieve properly until two years later. I recall walking to the bike stands and feeling unsteady, giddy - I'd never experienced the sensation before. I think things got worse from there. The dizzy-giddy sensation started to freak me out to the point where I became agoraphobic and starting skipping school. I started to get headaches and other bodily aches and pains. Soon enough school noticed and I was sent to the school counsellor - lots of crying and telling them what they wanted to hear. Lots of visits backwards and forwards to the doctor who kept telling me the regular cyclical pain I had since developed was in all likelihood constipation and irritable bowel. I could assure him I wasn't constipated. Lots of tests - barium enemas, sigmoidoscopy (great lots of gas pumped into me and no warning of the after effects - I got on a public bus only to be able to go one stop!), ultrasounds etc etc. Nothing wrong with my bowels, kidneys, liver.....soon developed a lump in my throat and excessive thirst - no diabetes and lump in throat given a name - globus hystericus.....it went away once I had a diagnosis for it!

I year or so went by and I changed GP. He suspected an ovarian cyst. I was sent to a specialist and operated on to remove a cyst the size of a grapefruit and some from my tubes. After recovery from surgery I felt great. I had been cured/fixed!!

A couple of years later and in my first year of University - started to get strange smothering sensations, felt dizzy...had to run from where ever I was. I recall sitting in a boring as hell Greek and Roman History lecture - lots of dates to remember for exams! I just had to get out of there but I was stuck in the middle of a lecture theatre row. Embarrassingly I scrambled out only to have the lecturer call out above a class of 300 or so - 'So pleased you found my lecture so interesting' Laughter. If only he knew boring brown suited arsehole! I ran outside, trying to catch my breath. What was wrong with me? cancer...I have cancer?!!

Things spiralled out of control - I gave up on University, failed to turn up for my part time job on occasion. Tried to treat myself with herbal medicine - even started training as a Naturopath. Nothing helped. Eventually, after 18 months this time, an even newer GP (I'd moved by this time) asked me to try it his way for one month and see if I felt any better. Prozac had just made its way here. There was no way I was taking an MAOI given the dietary restrictions and what my Dad had died of! OK...I said....I agreed.

One month later I was thanking him for saving my life and things stayed this way for almost ten years. The grey curtains had opened, I could feel the sun again, I laughed and meant it (instead of wondering why others were laughing and why I felt so unreal)- I could sit at a movie theatre and not need to sit at the end of the row to make my escape.

Things stayed this way for close to 10 years.....that is until I got Glandular Fever (mononucleosis) at the age of 30

Day one

I've struggled with depression and anxiety as long as I can remember. It takes me a year or two to get over an episode only to have the 'black dog' sneak up behind me to bite me on the bum every 7 years or so. I've decided to keep a diary of how it feels to be depressed, anxious and to have paralysing panic attacks......in the hope that I can look back one day and realise that no, these strange symptoms are not indicators of my impending death....and also in the hope that others may recognise themselves and become well.