My first episode of depression probably happened when I was about 16 or 17 - although we (my family and I) never clicked on to what it was - I guess no-one gave mental illness a thought in the 80s - or didn't want to acknowledge it. My Dad had died suddenly at the age of 37 from a cerebral haemorrhage, when I was 14 and my brother, 11. I don't think I started to grieve properly until two years later. I recall walking to the bike stands and feeling unsteady, giddy - I'd never experienced the sensation before. I think things got worse from there. The dizzy-giddy sensation started to freak me out to the point where I became agoraphobic and starting skipping school. I started to get headaches and other bodily aches and pains. Soon enough school noticed and I was sent to the school counsellor - lots of crying and telling them what they wanted to hear. Lots of visits backwards and forwards to the doctor who kept telling me the regular cyclical pain I had since developed was in all likelihood constipation and irritable bowel. I could assure him I wasn't constipated. Lots of tests - barium enemas, sigmoidoscopy (great lots of gas pumped into me and no warning of the after effects - I got on a public bus only to be able to go one stop!), ultrasounds etc etc. Nothing wrong with my bowels, kidneys, liver.....soon developed a lump in my throat and excessive thirst - no diabetes and lump in throat given a name - globus hystericus.....it went away once I had a diagnosis for it!
I year or so went by and I changed GP. He suspected an ovarian cyst. I was sent to a specialist and operated on to remove a cyst the size of a grapefruit and some from my tubes. After recovery from surgery I felt great. I had been cured/fixed!!
A couple of years later and in my first year of University - started to get strange smothering sensations, felt dizzy...had to run from where ever I was. I recall sitting in a boring as hell Greek and Roman History lecture - lots of dates to remember for exams! I just had to get out of there but I was stuck in the middle of a lecture theatre row. Embarrassingly I scrambled out only to have the lecturer call out above a class of 300 or so - 'So pleased you found my lecture so interesting' Laughter. If only he knew boring brown suited arsehole! I ran outside, trying to catch my breath. What was wrong with me? cancer...I have cancer?!!
Things spiralled out of control - I gave up on University, failed to turn up for my part time job on occasion. Tried to treat myself with herbal medicine - even started training as a Naturopath. Nothing helped. Eventually, after 18 months this time, an even newer GP (I'd moved by this time) asked me to try it his way for one month and see if I felt any better. Prozac had just made its way here. There was no way I was taking an MAOI given the dietary restrictions and what my Dad had died of! OK...I said....I agreed.
One month later I was thanking him for saving my life and things stayed this way for almost ten years. The grey curtains had opened, I could feel the sun again, I laughed and meant it (instead of wondering why others were laughing and why I felt so unreal)- I could sit at a movie theatre and not need to sit at the end of the row to make my escape.
Things stayed this way for close to 10 years.....that is until I got Glandular Fever (mononucleosis) at the age of 30
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