I want to go an buy cards for Morva and Wendy at Emergency Psych Services (EPA) who helped me get through that awful crisis day where I couldn't feel my pulse, I was dying - yet I couldn't sit still - racing around the room - pawing at myself - 'get it out - get it out'. I want to do something really special for ***** too but it might take a while to think of something unique and extra special.
Despite being knackered according to ***** I am 200% better than Monday already!
22nd Sept 2001
Oh boy bad morning. I'm shaking, my head spinning and burning. I feel faint - I'm going to pass out. Ok, ok I've been through this before and came out of it ok. I feel better if I sit still on my bed with my legs crossed and my head in my hands.
I'm so upset - I thought I was doing so well. What if I faint and don't wake up? I need to be able to go back to work, to study - Oh God...I have so much to do, but no strength. I feel like there is no end to this - please stop - I have a life to live.
Had a cup of coffee - first in over a week - maybe that wasn't such a good idea.
I had a sleep for two hours - woke up tired but made a start on an assignment. I've been told...no ordered not to. Regretfully I agree.
Don't feel good at all today.
- I'm choking
- I'm hot
- Limbs feel numb
My doctor has told me that with glandular fever (GF) I have to decide on each day if it is a good day or not and pace myself according to that.
I keep thinking about Angela D'Audney's brain tumour and how she would have been dead with 10 days if it hadn't been found. I guess I don't have any neurological symptoms (not really convinced that I don't).
Glandular Fever
Ghastly
Lethargic
Angry
Neurosis
Debilitating
Unable
Languid
Afraid
Restless
Fucked
Exhausted
Vicious
Emaciated (went from 62 to 55 kg with two weeks)
Rampant
***** has gone to the rugby and now I am scared I will pass out and die while he's out. This is stupid, I don't feel that much different to other times and I've coped (just) the last couple of days at home alone.
Please please help me I'm beyond scared. So fatigued but cannot rest.
Arrrgggghhhhh nervous poohs. Have had a big cry - feel a bit better after loo and cry.
Sunday 23rd Sept 2001
So far so good...oaty pancakes with grilled banana for breakfast. Feeling ok....just weary. Just another day of rest (after all it is Sunday) and I'll be fine.
Exams are less than a month away and I have missed most of the lectures. I'm getting really worried about this because I like to do exceptionally well. The expectations I put on myself are probably part of the reason I've ended up like this anyway.
Went up to the Gardens in the car (***** driving) to see the birds at the Aviary - something I still enjoy. I like spending time up there. A couple of the parrots are quite cheeky. very very tired after the visit.
Had 2.5 hr nap in the afternoon. Feeling OK.
8.30 pm - uh oh....feel funny again. Became aware of heavy head and strain to watch TV. Felt urge to go to the toilet in a hurry. Burning scalp.....thinking abt neurological diseases again. I want a scan to make sure my brain is structurally ok.
IT IS JUST GLANDULAR FEVER - but how long will it go on for? OH FOR A NICE CLEAR HEAD.
Felt lightheaded and nauseous before bed. Feel scared about the sensations of my body. I'm not convinced I'm not dying :( Oh boy - I have to stop this. I'm ok....just exhausted. The heavy muzzy foggy light head or whatever it is makes me feel like I might lose consciousness and not wake up. Sometimes I get scared that I might have a seizure and that the GF itself is doing neurological damage. Sigh
Oh no...its happening again. I keep needing to put my hands up to my head. I don't want to turn out the light to go to sleep. Shaky.
Concentrate on breathing - its shallow - I must be hyperventilating. Had a bit of a cry - feel like my body is shutting down; not functioning properly. Got to try and relax - easier said than done! Feel hot and shaky, really scared - please please make it stop. Must sleep....at least I can't feel any of the distressing sensations when I'm asleep......
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