Up and Down

Things have been really up and down. The weekend of 29th - 30th October was great. Forgot about myself and had fun at the beach. The boys slathered me in mud. Halloween was heaps of fun too (even the Monday at work went without a hitch).

Tuesday - ah Tuesday; I've always hated Tuesdays (enforced ballet lessons in the afternoons when I was younger). Had a massive panic attack whilst using the robot at work. Shaking, off balance felt sure that THIS time I was dying. All I could do was cry and cry and try to expel some of the stress. Headache; upset stomach - I freak out whenever I get a headache cos I keep thinking its a sure sign that I'm having a brain haemorrhage; or a haemorrhage is imminent. Made a complete fool of myself crying at work - 40 years old and scared of my own body. Took off home when everyone had gone to lunch.

Wednesday my period arrived! Hmmmmm there seems to be a pattern here - the worst attacks are cyclical (mid cycle and menses). I've been having night sweats too - perhaps I'm perimenopausal. I'll keep a diary and take it to the doctor - or perhaps mention it at my six week post-op check up (will really be more like 9-10 weeks!!). So sore and bloated - look 6 months pregnant!

Attempted to go back to work on Thursday - that went fine too. But by evening a sudden pain flared up in my mouth and a mouth ulcer had appeared. I started to freak that it might be something fatal!!! Was expected to go to a wee informal celebration at Viola in Sandringham on Friday at 10 - but freaked out prior to that and......yes missed it. It seems that any responsibility I have or any commitment and I freak out that I can do it - then I can't do it!

Saturday was fine (mouth ulcer managed with Bonjela)- managed to run four plates at work and analyse the data. Sunday was OK too until I realised at about lunchtime that I had a mild headache and slightly irritated throat. We went for a walk out by Karekare beach on the west coast. Didn't start out too well but was fine by the end of it.

Fast forward - today - Monday. Decided I couldn't possibly face work and will write from home - actually get a tonne done at home! Think I'm dying from this probable mild viral illness that I may have picked up from *****. I've been freaking out every morning while in the process of dropping ***** at school. I can't wait for the 8.45 bell to go so that I can make a run for it.

Feel unsteady - off balance - as if falling to my left hand side. Feel like I'm going to shit my pants - funny it all passes shortly after I remove myself from the situation. Oh God...what am I going to do? This HAS to stop; I can't go on like this. A very small part of me wants to die so that I don't have to feel like this anymore. Don't worry - I'm far too scared of death to do anything silly. And there's ***** - I'm so scared of leaving him. I don't want to miss out on seeing him grow up to be a lovely young man.

Must chase up the doctor about log in details for the online C.B.T.
And I might change my hair colour......