I can't do this anymore. I've thrown up at least once every day for the past week. My stomach is so sore - I feel like I've been punched. I'm so tired and I'm fed up and pissed off with the world. I want to die. The only thing stopping me is my son. I've got it all planned - I'll take all the pills available to me and slit my wrists - vertically not horizontally - that way I'll be asleep as I bleed to death.
It makes everything one hundred times worse that I have my son - it makes me realise how awful I feel; how difficult it is to enjoy him even though he is the sweetest, most wonderful kind and loving boy. I hate having him see me like this - all the vomiting and retching. This morning he laughed at me and imitated the noise (not so kind and loving this morning but maybe just his way of dealing with it). I don't want him to remember me this way.
I'm so angry today - paralysed with it.
No one realises the extent of this - probably because I still manage to achieve despite my 'near death experiences'. I just don't /can't / won't care anymore. I can't bring myself to do anything.
I'm tired.
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