Empty

Well its been done. I've had the D and C - or as the surgeon wrote - 'evacuation of uterus'.
Going in there I was terrified. I had been not-so-secretly hoping that I would begin to miscarry naturally. I felt scared that the anaesthesia would kill me and I would never see my gorgeous son again.

I discussed local with sedation versus general with the anaesthetist and was told they both carried the same risks. Armed with plenty of information I opted to be completely out to it!

Next thing I recall is calling the nurse by the wrong name...then starting to cry. It was all over - I was empty.

Long awaited cup of coffee, a sandwich, cheese and crackers and a biscuit I was a little better (I'd had to fast all day) - albeit slightly woozy and unsteady.

An hour and a half after admission and I was able to go home. DH had bought a cute cuddly toy. I cried a little. We got home and I got a hot water bottle for comfort and took some panadol. Pain wasn't too bad.

No sleep that night - my mind was racing and I was a little uncomfortable. I kept having visions of waffles and Lego minifigures (not at the same time).

Next day - I wasn't too bad....I actually felt a little relieved that it was all over and I might be able to start getting life back on track again. We went to an ANZAC parade and to the beach. A lovely warm sunny day.

Today - I feel sad, lonely and empty. I don't have the feeling of relief anymore. The physical pain is now minimal as is the bleeding. My breasts are hard and sore - its as if my body thinks there has been a birth :(  I'm having drenching night sweats that I presume are related to hormone imbalance. Maybe this is all just hormonal and I need to wait for them settle?!

I'm also feeling angry at my supervisor who said to me:
          "think of it this way - my niece had a miscarriage at the other end - a still birth"

Well yes, that must be an extremely traumatic experience and it does put things in perspective but THANKS FOR MINIMISING OUR PAIN.

I'm trying to think of something nice to do for myself - all I can think of is spending money! Perhaps I could get some new clothes once the bloating and sore boobs are sorted. I thought about going to the Garden Centre and getting some plants - but I'm feeling agoraphobic again. A massage - no means going to the panic inducing mall.......

Since I've been cleaned out I'll just stay home and clean out the house!

Hemlock in my salad

Sooooo...yesterday I was eating a Thai beef salad I had made myself - including salad greens mix. I bit into something rather bitter and spat it out. I swore it looked like a plant from the Umberliferae family with its little clustered flower heads. Could it possibly be....hemlock......nah surely not. Surfing the net looking for images - and botanical literature describing leaf morphology etc. Realised it wasn't hemlock but it took me a good two hours to reassure myself that it was more likely a bit of mizuna gone to seed! This is how my mind works ....gets obsessed with something - usually something that is about to cause my imminent death - and it sticks....and I freak out - have a full blown panic attack.

And today - I wake up with a head cold and irritated throat. But of course I have to think the worst - this is going to kill me...yada yada ...then my head gets stuff, eyes feel numb, ears get a sensation of fullness and I feel weak and dizzy. Instead of attributing this to a mild cold; I have to think I'm going to pass out and die :(

Oh God...too scared to leave the house and finish hanging out the washing let alone post *****'* present. I need to eat too.....that will probably help...but too scared to get up from computer. Feel numbness between my eyes....is this just a cold? Really?

Can't concentrate, can't focus...can't be responsible, rational....arggghhhhhhhh

I'm constantly scared I'm going die and leave ***** behind and miss out on him - and I freak out at the school and can't wait for the bell to ring so that I can make my escape. And then I when ***** gets sick I'm constantly checking him cos I'm scared I'm going lose him. These are my EVERYDAY obsessions. I'm obsessive about death and illness and trying to keep things tidy.

Oh please please make it stop