Sooooo...yesterday I was eating a Thai beef salad I had made myself - including salad greens mix. I bit into something rather bitter and spat it out. I swore it looked like a plant from the Umberliferae family with its little clustered flower heads. Could it possibly be....hemlock......nah surely not. Surfing the net looking for images - and botanical literature describing leaf morphology etc. Realised it wasn't hemlock but it took me a good two hours to reassure myself that it was more likely a bit of mizuna gone to seed! This is how my mind works ....gets obsessed with something - usually something that is about to cause my imminent death - and it sticks....and I freak out - have a full blown panic attack.
And today - I wake up with a head cold and irritated throat. But of course I have to think the worst - this is going to kill me...yada yada ...then my head gets stuff, eyes feel numb, ears get a sensation of fullness and I feel weak and dizzy. Instead of attributing this to a mild cold; I have to think I'm going to pass out and die :(
Oh God...too scared to leave the house and finish hanging out the washing let alone post *****'* present. I need to eat too.....that will probably help...but too scared to get up from computer. Feel numbness between my eyes....is this just a cold? Really?
Can't concentrate, can't focus...can't be responsible, rational....arggghhhhhhhh
I'm constantly scared I'm going die and leave ***** behind and miss out on him - and I freak out at the school and can't wait for the bell to ring so that I can make my escape. And then I when ***** gets sick I'm constantly checking him cos I'm scared I'm going lose him. These are my EVERYDAY obsessions. I'm obsessive about death and illness and trying to keep things tidy.
Oh please please make it stop
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