Fluoxetine haze?

Haven't posted for a while what with Christmas and everything. Had still been having panic attacks until today....but today and yesterday - hugely sleepy and lethargic. Can barely move - hoping it just the increase in Fluoxetine kicking in. Regardless...it's not very pleasant....feels like body failing me and shutting down....I don't know.

Life is not about our jobs or the things we own. It's about relationships and appreciating those we love. - Natalie Murphy

Natalie Murphy

Oh man.....now I'm getting shortness of breath and chest pains that I wasn't getting before. Is it all just tension...tension in my chest wall and intercostal muscles? I can't do this anymore - I'm scared to death - scared about death.

And what I have I got to worry about? Really?
Brave and stunning Natalie Murphy died yesterday of breast cancer that had metasticised to her liver and spine  :( 

I shuld have things put into perspective through her story - my health problems aren't going to end my life (well I don't think so) and leave behind a husband and gorgeous son.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/6163075/Natalie-Murphy-passes-away

This beautiful woman decided to remain positive in the face of terminal cancer and her story and the story of her young family saddened and inspired others worldwide.

The pair had planned to renew their vows in March but earlier this month doctors told her she had between two and eight weeks to live so the date was shifted to New Years Day after almost 10 years of marriage. But 35 year old Natalie passed away yesterday after suddenly taking a turn for the worse. Her husband wrote on Facebook that she died "While surrounded by the people she loved the most, she passed peacefully from this world into the next."

Speaking to a radio station less than two weeks ago she said she was finally coming to accept her cancer battle was coming to an end.

"No matter when that last breath comes, I know it will be filled with love and happiness and that makes me one very lucky woman. I can guarantee you that if I died tonight I would die an extremely happy woman," she said.

Thousands of comments have been posted on news websites and on her Facebook page with many inspired by her courage.

One day their son Jackson will read all the amazing tributes and be so proud of his strong, brave, gorgeous, inspirational mum. She has affected so many lives for the better.

Even though I didn't know Natalie, I had been following her story.....an unimaginable ordeal.....having to prepare to miss out on your son growing up. Just. Not. Fair - bad things happening to good people.

I must do her memory justice and pull myself together - put things in perspective girl!

.

Mirena is out

15th December 

Last night was the second session of  the L.I.F.E course and again it was really good. I'd had a rough time during the day. Was fine during the course and then felt sort of flu like afterwards - but it didn't come to anything.
It's been removed, the Mirena - was a piece of cake - didn't feel a thing - didn't even realise she'd removed it - the placing of the speculum was the most uncomfortable thing. So relieved - I swear, I have less lower abdominal discomfort already. Nearly four years....wow. It will be interesting to see how the next couple of months pan out.
Felt quite good for a while after getting that out - but going to the Mall with DH to get some Christmas shopping done perhaps wasn't a good idea....bright fluorescent lights, people everywhere...pushing and shoving....it was too much....my head developed a cramp on the left hand side and I felt very unsteady and woozy.

Completely freaked out once home....crying and crying - I can't describe it - unbelievable distress, discomfort, torture - every minute of every hour. So exhausted from all this.

16th December

And again today - despite using distraction techniques; still the unsteadiness and sudden woozy spells - then off I'd go again - freaked out, shitting myself (literally). It didn't help that I was picking up my son and another boy from their last day at school and look after them both for three hours. How could I possibly do it? Visions of myself passing out and leaving two 5 year old boys to their own devices.

I have noticed though - I do breathe very shallowly - I must be chronically hyperventilating. I tried to breathe more deeply - you know...that diaphragmatic breathing. It only made me more aware of by body......

Its been a really rough week....and now Aunt Flo seems to have arrived again - early...perhaps that's why all the panic. Premenstrual. Tomorrow should be better.

Crack my head open and get 'it' out

Arrgggghhhh I want it out of my head - out of my brain. I want to crack my head open and make it bleed out. I nearly whacked my head on the glass sliding door....it takes all my strength to stop myself doing something like that. I'll bite my arm instead. Sometimes I hit my head really hard with my fists to try to make it stop - try to jolt it out or reset my brain.

This cancer of the mind - it's eating me away.

I wish I could go into hospital for a 'rest' - just sedate me for tow weeks and gently bring me back when it's all over.

Fuck you anxiety - fuck off

Fuck you - you fuckin arsehole, panic attacks. You're getting on my fucking nerves - literally! You need to go away you sneaky piece of shit! Go fuck yourself I'm done with you ! Conniving monster, that wakes up in the morning as soon as I do, if not before, raring to get at me. Anxiety is a very subtle - making 'suggestions' that I can't do it - I can't get through another day - I can't take my son to school. 

I feel broken. I should hang a sign on myself or get a t-shirt - OUT OF ORDER!!!!  Got so bad this morning my son tried to go next door to get help. Such a gorgeous loving understanding boy.

Well fuck you, Anxiety Monster. I’m going to take my son to school. SO THERE. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?   Fuck you. Fuckedy, fuck fuck fuck.

I hate that anxiety has the best of me. It’s destroying our lives. If only it would leave as easily as it arrived.

Now I'm going through the whole can't see properly thing and I'm in some kind of strange parallel universe where things aren't real - none of you look real to me - I don't feel real....I'm giddy, dizzy.

Mirena not coming out today. I freaked...was too damn chicken to be by myself. I've had about 4 various IUD's put in and removed over the years - no problem what-so-ever but today I just couldn't get over thinking I was going to pass out afterwards (or in the waiting room waiting beforehand) when trying to pay. Some vasovagal response or something. Damn it, Damn it. I'm so damn useless and hopeless. How pathetic - 40 years old and terrified in my own skin.

It could have been out by now. Oh well...re-booked for Thursday when husband can come too - it might be useful if ***** is there because we can talk with GP about my depression, the medication etc. And  if doctor tries to talk me out of having it removed there will be two against one!

So panicked just can't rest have to keep a check....on myself ......just in case I need to be in a hospital

Mirena...the trigger of all this?????

Well I was feeling OK and upbeat and looking forward to working on improving. We had friends coming to stay for the weekend to attend a wedding - and we were looking after their nearly 3 year old son.
Our room needed to be prepared for their stay - change sheets on the bed and set up a bed for their son. I undertook that task and cleaned the rest of the house as well. It was good to get the exercise! But.......I couldn't wind down afterwards...I found myself unable to sit still. I was extremely agitated and it freaked me out. My husband and son were out at a birthday party. I thought I might have been feeling apprehensive because our friend is a Clinical Psychologist. I took an 8th of a Clonazepam and by the time they arrived I had calmed down somewhat.

Sunday morning had attack on way to taking our son to his swimming lesson. Husband wondering if it is all due the Mirena because all the nausea and retching started within two months of having that inserted. But I've brought this up with two GPs and the Gyn and they've all said it is unlikely. I'm not so sure - why is all this happening for the most part in the second part of the month? We're waiting for the perimenopause blood tests and will see if that yields anything. And I'm going to have the Mirena removed anyway. I've read heaps of reports of it exacerbating panic and depression - even triggering it some women who have never had panic or depression before. And then there are the weight gain, nausea and vomiting side effects and mild period like pain for the second part of the month. oh BINGO!!!!!!

Anyway - had a hormone sick like headache all day and still have it this morning.....and you know what I'm like about headaches?! My throat feels irritated too but that could be from the vomiting, retching and heartburn stuff. Although freaking that I'm getting the sore throat that some of the Mums have and that this sore throat and headache will kill me.

So I had a huge Panic attack on the way to taking our son to school. I was sitting in the car parked nearby crying and crying and probably hyperventilating. A woman across the road signalled to me - asking if I was OK.  ***** was being so sweet and trying to help me, rubbing my back - telling me I'd be OK and it will get better and he loves me :/  Then the woman across the road came over and hugged me - she clearly knew what was happening. Turns out she has experienced one such attack - she didn't know what it was but was in the hospital at the time. She helped me walk my son in to school and to make sure I was OK to get back home. So very kind - restored my faith in human nature :)

Here are a few of the Mirena effects reported by women:

Headache/migraine
Nervousness
Back pain
Weight increase
Breast pain/tenderness
Acne

Abdominal/pelvic pain
Nausea
Decreased libido
Vomiting
Anaemia
Alopecia
Eczema
Abdominal distension
Altered mood/Depression
Hirsutism
Suicidal Thoughts
Respiratory Problems(bronchitis, mono, asthma, etc.)
Pain in fingers, hands, arms, legs, etc.
Tingling and Vibration in various parts of the body
Heart PalpitationsInsomnia
Thyroid problems

and much more...

That's it......it can't do any harm to have it removed - I'm booked in for tomorrow...can't wait

Self-Management for Life course and Psychotherapy

Last night I had my first of six group sessions at the ProCare Self-Management for life course. And I must say - I feel really positive about it. It seems really well structured and we will cover topics such as

• using our minds to manage symptoms
• problem solving
• difficult emotions
• fitness
• better breathing
• pain
• fatigue
• nutrition
• future plans for health care
• communication
• medications
• making treatment decisions
• depression
• working with health care professionals and the health care system and
• future plans.

Each week we will also make action plans for the rest of the week. An action plan is a plan to do something WE WANT to do (not should or someone else's suggestion) that is achievable, action-specific and we need to define what its will be, how much of it we will do a when and how often and we must have a confidence level of 7 or greater that we will achieve the action. My action plan is to create a small painting over the period of the week and I will work on it half-an-hour a day.

I was concerned that I would be the only one there with depression and anxiety while others would have heart disease, cancer, emphysema, diabetes and other chronic illness - but it turned out every single one of us had some kind of depression/anxiety disorder - so we were all the same but different in that we all suffer the same illness but for different reasons and come from different backgrounds.

I really think this course is going to be very helpful. ***** came along as my support person and has found it so helpful thus far that he is going to continue to come along for the duration of the sessions. :) It is so wonderful to have someone so supportive who wants to understand and to know how to help.

This morning was my psychotherapy appointment and it was.......interesting....to say the least!

She was 10 min late which didn't help me any cos I got all panicky and agitated and was about to leave -I'd just put my business card under the locked door as she arrived.

Then it turned out she was a metaphysical psychotherapist and talked about me being stuck in the past and the future where I need to be in the NOW.

She believes that I'm obsessed with dying cos Dad talked about not making it to 40 and his Mum...Nana **** was a hypochondriac who spent 20 plus years in a rest home thinking she was dying and waiting to die and that probably rubbed off on Dad. Dad talked about not making it to 40 all the time. I remember walking up the stairs one night and he was sitting drinking Jim Beam and told me he wasn't going to live past 40 and that I had to look after ***** when he was gone. It freaked me out at the time - as if he 'knew' he was going to die young or that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Of course - now I'm 40 and think I'm dying!! But perhaps he was depressed but we didn't know it in those days - thinking about death - and his self medicating by smoking and drinking.

But I also said I think I get it from both sides and said I think Mum has O.C.D and perfectionist traits and Nan used to have 'turns' where she would go out and have to come home and lie down on the couch. It is my suspicion now that she was getting panic attacks.

She believes it's my time to break the family cycle and make sure ***** doesn't get it. and then she starting talked about palm reading and clairvoyants and how she thinks I have a vital life energy and I'm not depressed just fearful and anxious.

Then she......of all things.......read my palm!!! She was pretty odd. She said that there was nothing in my palm to suggest that I would die young. I'm successful and creative apparently and have a spiritual side that I 've lost touch with. My health line looks good but does suggest problems with anxiety and digestion....similar to what I was told when I had my palm read in India where I was told I'd live into my early 80s!!

I'm to meditate and write up a gratefulness diary - as soon as I wake up I have to write down something I'm grateful for and that will set up myself for better thinking  during the day (this grateful diary thing is something I have to do for the above course too; only I have to write what I'm grateful for and how I've helped to make it happen to show me that I can and do still do good things).

Hmmmmm...so parts of the psychotherapy were good...I'll just take what I find useful from it and stick with the far more practical and empirical course!!

Near death experience

Oh boy - really bad panic attack today. Had to go and fill the car with petrol (perhaps that was the problem - the heart attack inducing cost of petrol). Did that OK...and then proceeded to go to the garden centre to buy some small succulents. I was at the counter paying ($20 for five) and it hit me - its so hard to describe but here goes:

I felt like I was falling over sideways and was going to pass out - visual disturbances and all that. I really thought I would collapse this time. Then my legs felt like lead and I thought they weren't going to hold me let alone carry me! It tried to take a deep breath while simultaneously telling myself it was just panic and I'd be ok. I wasn't convinced....I had to get out immediately. Thank goddness the sale was completed and I could go before I made a bumbling fool of myself or worse! But just getting outside didn't help...I had to walk to the car and then think about driving it. I felt so totally out of control. Would my legs carry me to the car...was I going to collapse here in the carpark?

It's ok, it's ok it's ok, it's ok - became my mantra. And then I drove as if I had a death wish - argggghhhhh. Got home - feeling miserable - defeated. Why won't this leave me? I'm so NOT convinced that there isn't anything terminally 'wrong' with me.

Sigh - I know that this is all to do with my thoughts and misinterpretation of symptoms that are not dangerous or important. But it's just so hard to stop it. My thoughts have become obsessions-compulsions.

Arrgggghhhhh this is torture, torment, anguish, agonising misery.

I'm in so much mental and physical pain. I really thought time was up today - somehow this attack felt much worse than others gone before.

I've got my group self-management (oxymoron I know self-help group) course tonight and my individual session with a psychologist tomorrow. Even my GP called and left message asking how I was getting on and for me to call and touch base tomorrow morning. Help is on its way...........that is if it is help for the correct thing that is.

Descriptive stuff - some of it plagarised

I was nearly twenty before my family and I found that there was a name for the strange feelings sometimes happened to me. Later, I learnt that it has gone by many names -black dog, bell jar, noonday demon, malignant sadness - but in my teens I just assumed that my panics and days of disproportionate, isolating despair were part of every teenager's repertoire -how else would various bands have sold so many records?

The medical profession calls it a ‘major depressive episode’ but I’ve been knocked over by a multitude of feelings, sensations and symptoms. Not just depression but agitation, anxiety, terror, panic, grief, desperation, despair and an almost irresistible desire to be dead (despite my fear of dying). And it’s been going on for a VERY long time. Every single day for at least six months I’ve felt like I’ve had to battle to stay alive. I’ve literally gotten through each day minute-by-minute and hour by long hour trying to hang on until it’s time to go to bed. And when daylight savings came in and the clocks went forward I felt worse – an extra hour of daylight to get through.

Wave after wave of thick black tarry agony has been sloshing around in my head - surging through my limbs and gut and I’ve been powerless to stop it. Some people describe depression as feeling like they are living in a gold fish bowl - where you can see everyone around you carrying on as normal but you’re stuck swimming around in circles behind the glass. I feel like that but add to that a feeling of being poisoned by my own body. My brain is squirting out toxic chemicals that poison and kill any positive thoughts. Sometimes I feel catatonic – others times I’m so agitated – awaking early (3am) arriving into the day with a sickening jolt and tremulous with anxiety. I feel then that I want to take a benzo to go back to sleep and shut it all out again. Sometimes the damn panic demons get me in my sleep and I wake in full nocturnal panic – needing to shit myself and feeling unable to catch my breath.

Sometimes I am so agitated and desperate to escape how I feel and how I’m thinking that I’m like a hamster on a wheel – feverishly pulling at my fringe, clawing at my head in my hands. Digging my elbows into my knees. Sometimes I start to talk with someone and I get stuck – words won’t form. Reading is often impossible – by the time I’m at the end of a sentence I forgotten what the start said.

Oh when will this God-damn awful buzzing through my body stop? This really is in the words of Elizabeth Wurtzel - something akin to getting an unavoidable visit from my least favourite relative; an exercise in superhuman endurance. Depression is solitary no matter how many care for you. It is blacker than any psychological thriller. It is NUTS! You don’t know what to think, what to do.

I can’t eat, sleep, write, read or talk to people. The worst thing is that I feel this will never end. Depression is an illness, but unlike a broken leg no one can see it and you don’t know when it’ll get better.

“That’s the thing about depression. A human being can survive almost anything, as long as the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key”. - Elizabeth Wurtzel Prozac Nation


If you are going through hell, keep going - Winston Churchill

Psychomotor agitation and retardation and self-harming

I think I have psychomotor retardation. I feel like I can't move....I can't get up to get myself food. I want to go back to bed. It feels like a slowing or shutting down of my body - I guess its because I've exhausted myself. Perhaps its adrenal exhaustion from spurting out too much cortisol??!!

"Psychomotor retardation involves a slowing-down of thought and a reduction of physical movements in an individual. Psychomotor retardation can cause a visible slowing of physical and emotional reactions, including speech and affect. This is most-commonly seen in people with major depression ; it is also associated with the adverse effects of certain drugs, such as benzodiazepines"

And yesterday I think I had psychomotor agitation:

"Psychomotor agitation is a series of unintentional and purposeless motions that stem from mental tension and anxiety of an individual. This includes pacing around a room, wringing ones hands, pulling off clothing and putting it back on and other similar actions. In more severe cases, the motions may become harmful to the individual, such as ripping, tearing or chewing at the skin around ones fingernails or lips to the point of bleeding. Psychomotor agitation is a symptom typically found in major depressive disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I was chewing at the inside of my mouth and lips because I felt like those areas were itchy and tingly - they were certainly irritated. I also felt like I had 'something' inside me I needed to get out - I've had this sensation before and hitting my head or pulling at my hair seemed to help 'get it out'. Yesterday I felt so agitated and irritable that I bit my arm as hard as I could. There is still a mark. I guess this equates to self-harm......I can see why others do it - to get some relief. Its a coping mechanism to provide temporary relief or distraction from intense feelings such as anxiety and depression.

Why do people deliberately self-harm?

•	To release tension or angry feelings
•	To distract themselves from emotional pain
•	To snap out of dissociation
•	To feel "real"
•	To stop having a panic attack
•	To stop lashing out at others
•	To escape problems by getting "out of it"
•	Self hatred

Forgive me....I was wrong .......and online descriptions of panic attacks

OK...so I was wrong. DH wasn't ignoring me.....because I am so self-centred at the moment and can't think of anything other than my own symptoms.....I forgot that DH had his work Christmas lunch today and that is why his phone was off and why he wasn't answering emails :( :(  How terrible is that?! Just because my life seems unreal doesn't mean that others aren't getting on with their lives :( :(  I am so thoughtless.

Why can't I get my shit together???!!! I'm a scientist - I understand the physiology of panic yet I cannot seem to rationalise it for myself. telling myself that my body is responding as it should to my thought processes doesn't help - the symptoms of panic are so damn frightening, upsetting, uncomfortable and debilitating.

I just found these interesting descriptions of panic:

 

"The worst, most uncomfortable thing that could ever happen to someone. (Death comes a close second)" - Urban Dictionary.

 

"The absolute worst possible feeling a person can ever experience. Period. Basically having a panic attack feels like impending doom even though absolutely nothing can be going wrong in the outside world" - Urban Dictionary. 

"It  just majorly sucks balls to go through a (real) panic attack - NO ONE deserves to feel this shitty" -Urban Dictionary.

 

"If I met the man who murdered my grandmother, and had the option of making him experience panic attacks as punishment, I don't think I would. Crushing his nuts with 2 bricks would be a less severe punishment" - Urban Dictionary.

 

"Experiencing a panic attack has been said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life and may take days to initially recover from" - Wikipedia

 

I'm really not having a good day. The inside of my mouth feels irritated - bit of heartburn too. So very very tired as well. Maybe I've got the point where I have - really - just exhausted myself.

 

I wish I knew if this will end if and if so, when this will end.

 

Depleted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think everyone has decided to ignore me when I have a panic attack and make me get through it on my own- just to show me I can get through it. My brother won't reply on SKYPE and I can't get hold of my husband. I have to pick up my son from school soon but I'm scared I'll black out or won't be able to see or cause an accident in the car or die.

Is it really panic or could it be something else?!!!!  Oh help.... oh help......

http://www.depression.org.nz/content/depression/self+test


Crikey my score is 25 out of 27 :(   I didn't realise I was quite that bad....

It never rains but it pours

Just when I though no-one could or would help I get a call from my supervisor at work telling me that they've arranged C.B.T for me through the Employee Assistance Program (even though I am a PhD student and not an employee). How wonderful is that?! They appreciate my work so much and see me as part of the fixtures and fittings and want to help me. I have sessions starting next week.

Then later in the day I get a phone call from one of the psychologists at ProCare (the public health psych service) - my GP has got me on the urgent list - despite that the waiting list is long and I won't get to see anyone prior to Christmas - but they've managed to put me on a six-week self management course aimed at helping people with chronic conditions like depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, pain etc. It's all a start on the road to getting better .....yay.

I also had a visit from my supervisors partner who has travelled a similar road and only recently come to a better place. It was good to hear her story and the similarities. It was also refreshing to here that this will never go away - will always be a part of me but it manageable...it needed be a bad thing. It was refreshing in that most people tell you it doesn't last forever, it ends.....but that's not quite true!! I feel that one always I has the propensity to fall if one has had an episode already.

Despite all this or because of perhaps - I'm utterly exhausted. I want to have a lie down but I have to pick up my son from school soon and it would be terrible if I slept through. I also feel a bit faint and unsteady and panicky....damn it....despite this budding sense of hope. My cheeks feel strange but I'm thinking it might actually be from unknowingly clenching my jaw. My whole face and head needs a massage. My head feels foggy and heavy.....is this really all depression and anxiety?

It's very warm and humid today - perhaps that's the problem.