Still with the nausea and retching :(   Perhaps it has become a 'learned' behaviour???!!!

I want to die

I can't do this anymore. I've thrown up at least once every day for the past week. My stomach is so sore - I feel like I've been punched. I'm so tired and I'm fed up and pissed off with the world. I want to die. The only thing stopping me is my son. I've got it all planned - I'll take all the pills available to me and slit my wrists - vertically not horizontally - that way I'll be asleep as I bleed to death.

It makes everything one hundred times worse that I have my son - it makes me realise how awful I feel; how difficult it is to enjoy him even though he is the sweetest, most wonderful kind and loving boy. I hate having him see me like this - all the vomiting and retching. This morning he laughed at me and imitated the noise (not so kind and loving this morning but maybe just his way of dealing with it). I don't want him to remember me this way.

I'm so angry today - paralysed with it.

No one realises the extent of this - probably because I still manage to achieve despite my 'near death experiences'. I just don't /can't / won't care anymore. I can't bring myself to do anything.

I'm tired.

Mental health services need a shake-up

Well....I mentioned recently that I had applied to the student emergency fund for monies to help at least until I know if I will be getting a scholarship for next year. Get this.......the stupid sad sacks have granted me a one off $40.00 food voucher.......wow.....that'll sure go a long way!!!!! That's a fuckin' insult - what's the point?! And I have to go in to the University within five days to pick the voucher up!!! It'll cost $6.00 in bus fares to get there - or goodness knows what in petrol and parking!!!! They could've come up with more if they had of had a whip-around the department. I'm pissed off - I'm feeling VERY angry and pissed off and fed up with the world. I cried and cried and cried. This week has been awful - nausea, vomiting, pain, no money and now this.

And to make matters worse - I got an appointment with my GP to discuss my thoughts that my hormones are making everything worse - the panic the PMS etc -possible perimenopause. I got scoffed at...despite having over a years worth of symptom charting (haven't presented it in graph form just yet - but I didn't really think the GP would require a PowerPoint presentation!!!!!). Argggghhhhhh.

I made her give me a form to get a series of blood tests done to check my hormone levels. I also reminded her that I asked for an accession code for online C.B.T and that I'd called reception and left messages - twice. Her excuse was that she doesn't know how to access it and that my wanting to use the online C.B.T was akin to plucking herbal remedies off the shelf in an attempt to try and fix things - hang on a minute - wasn't online C.B.T one of your ideas???!!!!!

She was also supposed to put me on the public waiting list to see a psychiatrist - seems to have forgotten that too - could be waiting six months to a year to see anyone! We certainly can't pay to go private.

I'm pissed off with the world and most people in it today - the University and their measly $40. How long can a 10kg bag of rice last? Perhaps I could buy two bottle of wine??!!! The doctors being slack arses...
Myself for being like this....The University rejecting my six month funding extension despite all my achievements and grades - do they not want to support PhD completion?

Arrghghghgghghghhhhhhhhhhhhh

It's election day here today - I hope my vote along with everyone else's makes some kind of change.

Aunt Flo

Oh the relief - Aunt Flo arrived early - definitely something up with my hormone balance - imbalance! Throwing up big time yesterday. Massive panic attacks - hot and cold, night sweats, low back pain - period like pain all week with no period (until now).

Actually - I'm not feeling that relieved - I'm washed out, exhausted, weepy and scared I'm going to die from the exhaustion. This is all so overwhelming, depressing and debilitating.

I suppose I had better go to the GP and tell her all this........but I just don't trust anyone anymore.....besides I can't face sitting in the waiting room and I don't have $37.00 to spare. I begrudge giving them money when they haven't followed through on what I asked. What are they going to do anyway - take blood tests....how reliable are those? Will have have to have a blood test every week of my next cycle? Then what? a trial of HRT? Or do I change my diet, keep up the herbal stuff.

Or do I just shut up and put up despite all these debilitating symptoms - besides...all women go through it?!

Help.....help oh please help

Oh help...help....I'm so scared - I can't see properly - there's a fuzzy patch in the centre of my vision. I've been having nausea, retching and vomiting all week. The retching was so bad this morning - I had nothing to throw up....was making horrendous noises trying to get something up to make me feel better.
Oh God...this visual disturbance is freaking me out. I'm dying, I'm dying....it's a stroke.

Had to call husband. Huge cry, huge panic......feel slightly better after big cry. Fuzzy patch gone - but exhausted now - headache. Eyelid twitching. My brain is fried!

Just can't keep on doing this. Really, really had enough...I'm not functioning well at all....this is destroying me an my family. I don't like my son seeing this happening....I don't like him having to see or hear me retch and vomit all the time. I just don't know what to do.......what is going on really? What is it - just tell me what it is and I'll feel better for knowing? Arrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhh. Is it hormones, is it depression, anxiety, panic disorder - really? Or is it something more?

Car trouble

Now the effin car needs work. Thought it was the transmission but it turns out to be the less costly brake drum. Still $250.00 that we just don't have. I'm not getting paid a stipend at the moment and trying to source funds to complete my PhD from elsewhere. ***** earns too much for us to be eligible for any support from the government yet we have around $20,000 in personal loans between us that we have to try and pay - let alone food and stuff.  Have applied to the University for the student emergency fund (SEF). It had better bloody well come through for us.

But we need our car as well. $250 seems like such a small amount but it's huge to us. We thought we'd have $600.00 put aside for Christmas and presents because Lloyd's granted us one month holiday from loan repayments on our overseas loan....but there goes that - and there goes Christmas.....try explaining that to a five year old :(

My head hurts - all I can do is cry

DH managed to extend his personal loan - not ideal but the best we can do. We have our car back.

Nausea

Ahhh man......more nausea and vomiting this morning. It's gotta be hormones. I feel awful. Sick. Headache. I just don't know what to do.....crying, crying, more crying.

Pesky hormones

I've about had enough. I struggle on and on...think I'm getting a bit better - only to fall again. I'm so tired of being sick and tired.

Had my follow up with the hospital on Friday. HUGE freak out in the waiting room - I don't do waiting rooms, queues or meetings very well at the moment. Feel the need to escape - weird sensations of choking, faintness...tunnel vision come over me.

By the time I got into the surgeon's office I was in a right state - she was lucky I had stayed around rather than taking off in the lift and getting in my car to drive home. I started to calm down. We went over the images taken during my surgery to divide the adhesions - the ones they divided were long and stringy. I was able to see the very white and dense adhesions sticking my right ovary and right fallopian tube to the right side of my uterus....these adhesions they couldn't divide.

Told her that my belly button incision had only just healed at 8 weeks and that stitches had been poking out....she just screwed up her face knowingly but it appears that this is a common experience.

I told her I'm still having the cyclical nausea and vomiting. She actually suggested I might be peri-menopausal and to continue with my keeping of a diary and plot all the symptoms in a graph. OK....I have over a years worth of data!!!!

Seems very likely all my symptoms occur for a few days every two weeks......such that I have about 10 good days a month if I'm lucky :(  :(  :(

I'm to try Vitex agnus castus and she'll see me again in 3 months with my graphs - we'll decide what to do after that.

Venturing back to work

The last couple of days have been OK. I ventured back into work and had some - relatively speaking - mild panic attacks. But somehow I was able to recognise that I had been indulging in a lot of negative self talk and that continued and I was breathing very shallowly at the same time the panic happened. I was able to diffuse it quite quickly....and going for a quick walk around the site helped too :)

I don't want to think about it too much though and I'm hesitant to say I've turned the corner for fear I might slip back - it's happened before. I'll take these good days and just enjoy them as that for the time being! Hopefully the odd not so good day won't affect me too much - besides everyone has good and bad, up and down days......

Caffeine

Still waiting - still no response from the GP. I figured I'd try contacting the 'Beating the Blues' website http://www.beatingtheblues.co.nz/ directly and explain my situation and ask if they would provide me with an activation code for their 'free' program. But the bloody contact us link doesn't work. I've tried three times. What is a depressed anxious person with panic disorder and agoraphobia to do?! Blatantly asking for help and making 'their' job easy but still can't get help. Oh well.....guess I'll keep on with 'trying' to help myself.

Pup-spresso, dog-a-chino

To top things off - I have no money to buy a coffee today and I've run out of plunger and instant at home. My 5 year old son's wallet doesn't have enough coinage. I've looked behind and under the couch cushions and done the same in the car. Checked jacket pockets.....aaarrrggghhhh....nothing.

But hey - I managed a brisk walk and found that someone had put a Tony Hawk Tech Deck quarter pipe out in a pile of rubbish - my son is going to LOVE that :)

Did I mention that I am trying to start running? I found a booklet about running and the runners high (endorphins) kicking depression in the butt. Thought I'd give it a go - especially since in the midst of a full blown panic attack I feel the need to run and run and run - escape....

Done it twice now - my thighs hurt.....

Why am I waiting......?

After posting those stunning pictures and after having yet another panic attack - thinking this damn head cold is somehow going to cause my brain to stop functioning and hence cause me to die - I felt I should continue with my struggle to beat this.

I really despise having to chase up GPs. Now I'm chasing up my new GP (who I thought was going to be really good) to get the activation code for the 'beating the blues' online C.B.T. program. Doctors they just don't get it do they?! Here, I am trying to do something about getting better and they sit on their feckin arses while people who aren't very well, are tired, have no motivation and are agoraphobic have to chase THEM up. It's no wonder there are so many mentally ill people wandering around. And they wonder why our suicide rate is so high - when one is already feeling useless and like they don't matter - having GPs that fail to help reinforces those thoughts. I know they are busy but if they can't deal with it they should say so and refer us  to someone who can help. That's all I was asking for - some guidance and help to recover - to steer me in the right direction.

C'mon Doc - I've made it easy for you - I've told you what's wrong......

Lets see if the message I left at reception gets through and some action is taken. I'll keep you posted.

Stunning pics taken by a friend during her stay in Zambia

Images like this remind of the beauty to be seen and enjoyed in life - they make me want to recover and live



Hemlock in my salad

Sooooo...yesterday I was eating a Thai beef salad I had made myself - including salad greens mix. I bit into something rather bitter and spat it out. I swore it looked like a plant from the Umberliferae family with its little clustered flower heads. Could it possibly be....hemlock......nah surely not. Surfing the net looking for images - and botanical literature describing leaf morphology etc. Realised it wasn't hemlock but it took me a good two hours to reassure myself that it was more likely a bit of mizuna gone to seed! This is how my mind works ....gets obsessed with something - usually something that is about to cause my imminent death - and it sticks....and I freak out - have a full blown panic attack.

And today - I wake up with a head cold and irritated throat. But of course I have to think the worst - this is going to kill me...yada yada ...then my head gets stuff, eyes feel numb, ears get a sensation of fullness and I feel weak and dizzy. Instead of attributing this to a mild cold; I have to think I'm going to pass out and die :(

Oh God...too scared to leave the house and finish hanging out the washing let alone post *****'* present. I need to eat too.....that will probably help...but too scared to get up from computer. Feel numbness between my eyes....is this just a cold? Really?

Can't concentrate, can't focus...can't be responsible, rational....arggghhhhhhhh

I'm constantly scared I'm going die and leave ***** behind and miss out on him - and I freak out at the school and can't wait for the bell to ring so that I can make my escape. And then I when ***** gets sick I'm constantly checking him cos I'm scared I'm going lose him. These are my EVERYDAY obsessions. I'm obsessive about death and illness and trying to keep things tidy.

Oh please please make it stop

Up and Down

Things have been really up and down. The weekend of 29th - 30th October was great. Forgot about myself and had fun at the beach. The boys slathered me in mud. Halloween was heaps of fun too (even the Monday at work went without a hitch).

Tuesday - ah Tuesday; I've always hated Tuesdays (enforced ballet lessons in the afternoons when I was younger). Had a massive panic attack whilst using the robot at work. Shaking, off balance felt sure that THIS time I was dying. All I could do was cry and cry and try to expel some of the stress. Headache; upset stomach - I freak out whenever I get a headache cos I keep thinking its a sure sign that I'm having a brain haemorrhage; or a haemorrhage is imminent. Made a complete fool of myself crying at work - 40 years old and scared of my own body. Took off home when everyone had gone to lunch.

Wednesday my period arrived! Hmmmmm there seems to be a pattern here - the worst attacks are cyclical (mid cycle and menses). I've been having night sweats too - perhaps I'm perimenopausal. I'll keep a diary and take it to the doctor - or perhaps mention it at my six week post-op check up (will really be more like 9-10 weeks!!). So sore and bloated - look 6 months pregnant!

Attempted to go back to work on Thursday - that went fine too. But by evening a sudden pain flared up in my mouth and a mouth ulcer had appeared. I started to freak that it might be something fatal!!! Was expected to go to a wee informal celebration at Viola in Sandringham on Friday at 10 - but freaked out prior to that and......yes missed it. It seems that any responsibility I have or any commitment and I freak out that I can do it - then I can't do it!

Saturday was fine (mouth ulcer managed with Bonjela)- managed to run four plates at work and analyse the data. Sunday was OK too until I realised at about lunchtime that I had a mild headache and slightly irritated throat. We went for a walk out by Karekare beach on the west coast. Didn't start out too well but was fine by the end of it.

Fast forward - today - Monday. Decided I couldn't possibly face work and will write from home - actually get a tonne done at home! Think I'm dying from this probable mild viral illness that I may have picked up from *****. I've been freaking out every morning while in the process of dropping ***** at school. I can't wait for the 8.45 bell to go so that I can make a run for it.

Feel unsteady - off balance - as if falling to my left hand side. Feel like I'm going to shit my pants - funny it all passes shortly after I remove myself from the situation. Oh God...what am I going to do? This HAS to stop; I can't go on like this. A very small part of me wants to die so that I don't have to feel like this anymore. Don't worry - I'm far too scared of death to do anything silly. And there's ***** - I'm so scared of leaving him. I don't want to miss out on seeing him grow up to be a lovely young man.

Must chase up the doctor about log in details for the online C.B.T.
And I might change my hair colour......