Flu-like illness or (Herxheimer reaction?) as an intermission from my usual anxiety

My son had a fever with headache last week (Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday - not Friday oddly where he went on to score five goals during soccer). Panic stations for me....NOooooooooo, I can't cope with more illness...my body won't cope....it  will kill me. Frantic handwashing and hand sanitising....no touching nose, mouth or eyes.

Then my friend calls to say she is sick, severe body aches, chills, fever and cough. Oh great. I'll stay away then. But she needed help - she had no tissues or toilet paper and was too weak to get up and out. So I went to the nearby dairy and got her some tissues and lemonade (and raided our toilet paper stash here at home. Brave her house. OMG she looked and sounded terrible....looked like full on flu despite her having had a flu shot. Or maybe a chest infection? Selfishly I didn't want to get too close but I ended up spending about half an hour - trying to be sympathetic and trying not to breath in virus particles. I had rubbed hand sanitiser under my nose and on my hands....more hand sanitiser upon leaving. Spent the next two days freaking that I would get her sickness and as bad.

Well I got sick - and probably more likley from my son.  For the past two or three days, I’ve had a fever, the aches, and a sore throat, snotty head, fatigue. I'm supposed to be having rest cos of this damn nervous breakdown, miscarriage etc etc - but now I'm freaking about the symptoms I'm experiencing in association with this cold.

For just about everyone, having a cold or the flu is a bummer. But for people with anxiety disorders, it can be extremely unpleasant, torturous. If, like me, you’re easily triggered into a panic by physiological changes, then it goes without saying that a fever or the mildly elevated heart rate that often accompanies the fever and aches and pains, dizziness etc can be extremely difficult, frightening to deal with.

I won’t even get into the horrible Catch-22 of cold meds and decongestants. They can easily fix one problem (e.g. congestion) but produce another problem ( jitters or spaciness) that can ramp up anxiety (I'm sticking with plain old panadol and zinc (with B6 etc.), olive leaf extract, manuka honey).

Hmmmmm maybe this is all a 'healing crisis' or the so-called Herxheimer reaction in response to microbial die off......oh yay - that means good health will be on the way in the next few days????!!!!!!

Teacher update

I managed to have a talk with my son's teacher and it was all very positive and I'm so relieved I went. I also need to apologise for all my ranting here. However, in saying that - I not completely convinced that the children aren't being reprimanded inappropriately at times.

***** (most people I know seem to have five letters in their name) had been being particularly difficult the past couple of weeks, climbing around under tables and distracting the rest of the class. Not sitting still, not looking at here when she was talking and appearing to not be listening (and it is so frustrating when he does that because he damn well comes up with the answers when questioned - so he hears everything) While she couldn't recall the incident I witnessed she felt that I hadn't seen it in context. She was really upset to think that I was upset by what I saw and didn't want me thinking she was in anyway singling him out or mean-spirited. I had to admit to her I was thinking that.

She thanked me for my being open and coming to see her and I must say I found her very approachable and accommodating about it all - she was in no way defensive. And we came up with a plan for dealing with ***** behaviour and boredom. An individual reward system has been implemented for each child in the class and we're using a star-chart book to reinforce ***** in class.

I did get a reply from the 'third party' (after I'd spoken with the teacher) and this is the gist of it:

"I can honestly say I have never witnessed any unfair treatment of ***** in the time I've been doing
parent help. I have seen ***** be firm with ***** but then I've seen her do the same with ***** and the other kids as well. It has never struck me as unfair or isolating him out in anyway. I'd certainly say if I thought otherwise as Id hate for ***** to be in that situation and not be told."

So now I'm going to take everything I hear with a pinch of salt and try not to be Anxiety Girl and jump to the worst conclusions in a single bound! Sigh.....

Lesson learned.

No response from the teacher yet. I'm frustrated and angry...gotta try and keep a lid on it. But me being 'anxiety girl' - I'm leaping to all possible conclusions.

www.nataliedee.com

I'm having visions of her ranting to others about my wanting a meeting and pretending to not get my email. Me saying "if you aren't prepared to be professional and adult I will speak with the Principal directly".

Then I hear that she had a hospital appointment yesterday afternoon. Oh great, I've heard she is trying to get pregnant....I bet she is pregnant.....she'll blame her hormones. So what?!  I'll say "pregnancy is NOT an illness and you'll just have to be professional and contain yourself....hormones are not permission to shame, humiliate and bully".

And I'll be mighty fucked off if she has a successful pregnancy (that's just going to upset how I feel about my miscarriage)- and if she does I hope she has an active boy......ooooh ouch meeeooww.

And then there's the thought that she's going to deny everything (at this point I will have only referred to what I have witnessed), I'll be made to feel like I'm just stirring etc etc. And things could get worse for ***** for my having brought the issue up. But I have to; not just for my son's sake but all his classmates too.

Of course this is just my thoughts. And if things do pan out as I've imagined...I'll just try my utmost to remain calm and poised, end the conversation and take my findings (I've documented everything) to the Principal.

Oh I feel ill.....I'm so tense, wound up....my head feels like it is in a vice and going to explode. I feel like I might vomit.

Meet the teacher

I was going to wait until I had gathered 'evidence' from a third party (third parent teacher help) but no....bugger it.

After my weekly session with my psychologist I have come to realise that that is how I tend to deal with things - not value my own feeling or evidence as being enough to want to do something about. So I get angrier and angrier at the person I believe to done wrong and angrier and angrier at myself for having not been assertive enough to do anything about it. That's what happened over the weekend...I stewed and stewed, got angrier and angrier and made myself sick with stress and worry and couldn't sleep and feel more tired (if that's possible) and run down and sad...more and more crying and thinking I'm going to die or have a brain haemorrhage (and die).

It's easier to turn my feelings of anxiety about dealing a problem into physical you see - cos I feel like physical problems could be more serious (leading to death) and therefore more worthy of help (apparently - all sounds a bit Freudian to me).

Anway, I'm not waiting on hearing from the third party - I'm going to trust my feelings and am going do something about it based on what I've seen and heard.

I sent an email:


Hi ***** (teacher's name),

I would like to arrange a time this week to come and see you and catch up with how ***** (son's name) is progressing in class. Would one day straight after school suit?

Cheers,

***** (my name).



I'll keep you all posted on how it goes of course :P

Teacher as bully - part two - food poisoning/stomach bug.

And still it goes on - according to one source/spy.  However, I'm not sure how reliable this source is. I'm going ask a few questions of another parent helper next week. If this parent helper confirms what has been said already - then I'm going to email *****'s teacher and set up a meeting to discuss *****'s behaviour in class.

I've been told that ***** is being left out of performance practise, been made to stand behind a whiteboard and stare at the ceiling for periods of up to 20 min. I don't know who or what to believe.

It breaks my heart to think that my son might be being singled out for taking off frustrations out on and making an embarrassment or example of. Worse...he could get left behind, be disadvantaged in his learning - all because his teacher might not be able to cope with him - or simply has taken a dislike to him.

AND she can't spell, has serious grammatical issues - I'm not sure I want someone like that teaching my child to read and write. Her job title in her email signature is spelt incorrectly, she doesn't know which there, their, they're, to or too to use when.....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

In other frustrations - I think I have food poisoning or a stomach bug. Woke up before 1 am with stomach cramps....have made SEVERAL trips to the toilet to do extremely watery diarrhoea (i.e. peeing out my bum). Not pleasant.....I'm so sore, crampy and tired and headachey, gas pains under shoulders - how much more can my poor body survive?! To top it all off I have period cramps too - as you can imagine I feel very unclean and gross. Why does this all keep happening?

PLEASE!!!! HAVEN"T I BEEN DEALT ENOUGH ALREADY?!!!! CRY sob cry whimper.

My son's teacher might be a bully

I know my son, ***** can be a little toad sometimes. He's a boy...he's active..he finds it hard to sit still....but he hears everything, picks up on everything and is very bright. He gets bored easily.
A couple of weeks ago two women told me that they felt my son was being picked on by his teacher. These women do teacher help twice a week in my son's classroom. They noticed that ***** gets sent into 'time-out',' the thinking spot',' naughy spot' or whatever you want to call it very frequently (most days in fact) and for seemingly trivial things when other kids are getting up to much worse. He's been left out of practises for school productions and told he will be able to join back in when he can show he can behave. Other kids have been trying to stick up for him! He's only 5 - he's a lovely cuddly, kind wee boy - he has wonderful empathy for others.
Well...I didn't take too much notice. I gave the teacher the benefit of the doubt and some credit for having to deal with a lot, boys being boys etc. As I said I know ***** can be a little $%#* sometimes.

That was until today - today when I witnessed it for myself:

So....I was waiting outside the classroom in the sun - for the bell to go. I could see ***** but he didn't see me. He was sitting nice and quietly. Next thing I hear Mrs Teacher go off at him....."***** and Sajid if you don't sit properly we can't get this done before the bell goes (handing out books)". "***** sit properly". And then "Class, is this how we sit properly (no response from any of them)?" Poor ***** looked confused and went bright red, he didn't know what he was doing wrong or what he was expected to do. I moved over so that Mrs Teacher could see that I was there and gave her my hardest glare...he wasn't doing anything wrong! Others kids were standing, moving around, talking, laughing...not even sitting. How dare you make an example and embarrassment of my son! Fuckin' bitch. I don't trust her now and I hope to hell she doesn't change my precious boy into someone with no empathy.....

I am so upset and heartbroken.....I feel like my whole body has sunk into the ground. I've cried. I'm confused...I don't know what to do about it......AND.......

Another thing; a friend who has her son in the same class asked me "what I would do if ***** came home and told me that another kid had been touching his willy while on the mat?" Because that is exactly what her son came home and told her! What the hell is going on in that class?

Turns out that the boy suspected of inappropriate touching slaps my son often - but does he get sent to time out....no he doesn't.....he gets a final warning, then another and another......(so I'm told).

Recalcitrant upper-mid back pain - argghhhhhh

My fuckin' mid-upper back is unbearable today. I can't escape it....tried cracking it on the floor....stretching, hanging from the door frames (not upside down), pain killers - you name it. I've been seen to writhe around on the floor trying to free up 'the spot'. I've screamed into a pillow. I've been for a walk. I'm popping it in and out. This has been going on for more than 10 years. Most days I can just cope with it; then every so often I think 'enough' there must be something that can be done.

I'm writhing around in my chair now. Twisting as far as I can to my left...then my right. No cracking noises today - got it to crack yesterday. Arggghhhh maybe it is worse or less tolerable premenstrually??!!!

I've been to physios, chiros, osteos, masseuses, acupuncturists, swimming, yoga, had deep heat rubbed in, used hot water bottles. The only relief has been obtained from chiropractors (average of three days relief), acupuncturists (a week of relief), massage (few days) and swimming (pretty good if I keep it up). Hmmm.....had better start up the swimming again! Time to trim down or get anew pair of togs (and a bikini line wax).

Out of Action

Another bad day today - I can't get myself to move, I'm panicky and there is a sense of foreboding - like something is wrong or something bad is about to happen. Probably just premenstrual....but whatever it is it is so damn unpleasant :( I'm so tired.

And everything hurts....it feels like the depression has seeped into my bones....into my bone marrow even. Not bone marrow depression but...well you know what I mean?!

Oh...I can even be bothered writing.....I'm out of action....see you tomorrow?

Sick 'n' Tired 'n' Angry

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I was feeling quite good...getting all crafty and making and baking things for my son. This past week I hurt all over and have that awful bone-crushing fatigue. I also have a strange sensation at my left upper abdomen - as if something is stuck or twisted. Is it irritable bowel, is it an enlarged spleen? God knows!!

I'm getting angry with everyone - just because I look OK from the outside doesn't mean that I am OK. I feel terrible OK....how many times to I have to try and explain it - especially to my family? I'm sick to death of it all. I'm sick and tired of having to squeegee the windows every morning...litres and litres of condensation dripping off. And the resultant mould - having to clean the walls and ceilings once a month, along with emptying out all the drawers and getting mould out. Inside the wardrobes. No wonder we're all sick all Winter. Waking up with irritated throats and tonnes of postnasal drip every morning. What is wrong with this country - next to no insulation so that now everyone is having to insulate retrospectively and install ventilation and heat pump systems. Our landlord doesn't seem interested in doing that - even though it will ultimately protect her asset. I'm sure the walls are rotten and mouldy through and through. Even the carpets are harbouring mould spores - I can smell it. Grrrrrrrr....its so depressing.

Will we ever be in a position to own our own place where we can install a ventilation and heating system?