Can't keep my eyes open

Having one of those extremely fatigued, can't keep my eyes open, hurt all over, dizzy, uncoordinated days :(  Definitely seems to be cyclical. Sigh. When I get like this I get scared that my heart is somehow damaged and that is why I'm having this severe bone crushing fatigue. It doesn't help that there has been two incidents of sudden cardiac arrest in previously healthy persons this week here in NZ! A young mother dying at 34 and a sports person (also 34) 'lucky' to be alive despite having to have been put in an induced coma. It's like all those young soccer players and that Norwegian swimmer of late :(

Of course what makes me think that I'm so special that it will happen to me! I'm not athletic and it seems all these people died because of sudden cardiac arrest (SCA) due to an electrical problem with the heart like ventricular fibrillation as a result of extreme exertion???

Sigh.

 

 

Oh I can't deal with this - maybe I need to stop reading the news. I just want to cry. And I'm scared about it happening to my brother because he fainted and seizured for the first time ever a few weeks ago - for no reason that could be detected.

 

 

Oh God.......

Update - haven't written for a while and that is probably a good sign?!

I haven't written for a while and that is probably a good sign?! I say that because it means that I have been busy - busy engaging with people and getting back out into life again - a little.

I've been taking half a clonazepam/klonopin (0.25 mg) a day for quite some time now. I managed to cut out the bed time one. This has changed my thinking somewhat so that I am not in a constant state of panic about my symptoms despite they're still being there. I'm still extremely tired and in pain (back, joints etc).

I've been able to go to a theme park for a friend's sons birthday, been able to go to school functions...even been able to take my son to school and pick him up (by myself). Attend my psychology/counselling and psychiatrist appointments. Been to friends houses across town just for social gatherings.

And I've been able to go to shops to buy needed materials/ingredients for crafts I have been making and cakes that I have been decorating (see previous entry about baking and therapy). And made the cake below for my son's 6th birthday. I guess everyone knows his name now :P

 

 

And yes I've given myself pats on the back for all my achievements - but I am still so damn tired, fatigued, exhausted, hurt and getting frequent headaches. I have hope now that this won't last forever.....but oh how I wish I could kick this bone crushing fatigue.

 

This isn't the way I had dreamt my life would be. I need to think about how I can change that. I need to follow 'signs'. I suspect I will not be picking up my PhD where I left it and I will be following my cake decorating passion. Perhaps I will start a small business from home - one where I can control how many cakes I do....because being such a perfectionist....some of the cakes I've made recently have nearly killed me!!!

 

I can't keep my head up.....I think I will go and have a sleep today.

 



Recalcitrant upper-mid back pain - argghhhhhh

My fuckin' mid-upper back is unbearable today. I can't escape it....tried cracking it on the floor....stretching, hanging from the door frames (not upside down), pain killers - you name it. I've been seen to writhe around on the floor trying to free up 'the spot'. I've screamed into a pillow. I've been for a walk. I'm popping it in and out. This has been going on for more than 10 years. Most days I can just cope with it; then every so often I think 'enough' there must be something that can be done.

I'm writhing around in my chair now. Twisting as far as I can to my left...then my right. No cracking noises today - got it to crack yesterday. Arggghhhh maybe it is worse or less tolerable premenstrually??!!!

I've been to physios, chiros, osteos, masseuses, acupuncturists, swimming, yoga, had deep heat rubbed in, used hot water bottles. The only relief has been obtained from chiropractors (average of three days relief), acupuncturists (a week of relief), massage (few days) and swimming (pretty good if I keep it up). Hmmm.....had better start up the swimming again! Time to trim down or get anew pair of togs (and a bikini line wax).

Out of Action

Another bad day today - I can't get myself to move, I'm panicky and there is a sense of foreboding - like something is wrong or something bad is about to happen. Probably just premenstrual....but whatever it is it is so damn unpleasant :( I'm so tired.

And everything hurts....it feels like the depression has seeped into my bones....into my bone marrow even. Not bone marrow depression but...well you know what I mean?!

Oh...I can even be bothered writing.....I'm out of action....see you tomorrow?