Retained products of conception?

Now the bleeding, cramping and pain in my right lower back have all increased - I passed a clot the size of a NZ fifty cent piece- the old one!

Of course all this has freaked me out so I went of to the after hours doctors - my GP not in until Thursday. After taking a detailed history the nurse felt that I might have retained products of conception - left behind from the D and C and I'd probably be referred to the hospital (only she added that that was a decision the doctor would have to make).

The doctor read my notes, came in to see me - we went over it all again and she felt that I could have retained products of conception or it could be my first period after the D and C. She called my GP's office and managed to get my hCG blood test results from the nurse. My hCG is down from 75000 to 20 and therefore borderline positive.

The upshot of all this is that i might have my first period and it is abnormal and more painful than a 'normal' one or I could have retained products of conception (RPOC). I'm to wait a few days and book an ultrasound if the bleeding etc doesn't taper off. Turns out I've left it too long after the D and C to qualify for a free ultrasound and it will cost me over $200.00 to check to see if the hospital didn't do their job properly!!!! I'll be asking for a refund if that is the case.....

Meanwhile we wait and I'm reminded of the miscarriage........and I wonder what will come my way next!

PhD suspension - stinkin' head cold - and still with the hCG

Had a very constructive and beneficial meeting with my PhD Supervisors and DH. Upshot is that I am going to suspend my PhD until I am well enough to continue. My best option seems to be to suspend for one year although I can return whenever I feel I am well enough. I am to act as if this is a withdrawal though - in that I give up my office, return text books things like that - so that I am forced to have a complete break and not be thinking about what I think I 'should be' doing. Makes sense.
In the meantime I've come down with a stinking head cold that I just can't seem to shake.....I guess I'm so run down that I'll be prone to picking up everything that is going around for a while. Multivitamins and minerals here I come. Getting cold sores (haven't had one for over ten years) and styes in my eyes too - sure signs of being run down.

I still have sore breasts and I'm still spotting exactly three weeks to the day since the D and C. Since I still have sore breasts and my bras and jeans still don't fit again I decided - mainly out of curiosity - to take a home pregnancy test. Guess what? Still positive. Got myself into a bit of a panic that this may mean that I'm still retaining pregnancy tissue. I called the Womens' Assessment Unit and explained the situation - hCG can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to reach undetectable levels especially if they were high to begin with - and mine were - 75000 IU/ ul

Explains the sore breasts and tingling nipples.....thank God I don't have morning sickness anymore. And I'm still getting the proctalgia fugax/levator ani or whatever it is. That pain started when I fell pregnant and was particularly bad immediately after the D and C so I wonder if it has more to do with my uterus or cervix or pelvic floor than my anus or rectum??!!! Ah well I've got a check up with my GP tomorrow - might even be free if I can give a positive pregnancy test!!!

I just want all this ill health and these upsets to end - please God haven't I suffered enough over the past year???!!

I just can't do this anymore

WTF am I doing?

I sit here flicking between my email inbox, Facebook, various online shopping sites, news sites...and back and forwards and back and forwards. Checking my symptoms over and over again to make sure they are consistent with depression and panic disorder. It is like a compulsion - as long as I sit by the computer and do this I'll be OK!!!

Today I feel dizzy, giddy, unsteady, weak, shaky, unstable....stumbling bumbling sure I'm going to pass out and die......flushed, hot.

Stop - check my inbox - nothing - check Facebook - nothing new. Look outside - light to bright. Hang out washing - stumble, bumble...unsteady - hold on, hold on it'll be OK. No it won't what if its not OK. OMG I'm going to die - my son won't be picked up from school or he'll come home to find me dead.

Check inbox

Feeling flushed

Check Facebook

Check inbox - no reply from husband yet about today's symptoms and fears

Ohhhhhh Goddddddddd please HELP ME.

I'm still bleeding although it easing off a little - had to call the hospital yesterday for reassurance - yes apparently it can happen......I feel as if the D and C was oversold to us - I thought it would save all this blood, clots and mess :(

Inbox....still nothing       Bank account - not much       Stuff website - no change

Inbox - reply form husband:

No, it’s not. You’re depressed, and worrying about symptoms, and have lost confidence in your ability to do lots of things. Then, as a result, you’re not doing much in the way of physical exercise so when you do try to do something requiring exertion it becomes a struggle. You need to break out of that cycle. Please allow me to take you for a walk this weekend.

No, it’s not. You’re depressed, (sure am) and worrying about symptoms (guess so), and have lost confidence in your ability to do lots of things (sure have). Then, as a result, you’re not doing much in the way of physical exercise (too scared to move) so when you do try to do something requiring exertion it becomes a struggle (maybe). You need to break out of that cycle. Please allow me to take you for a walk this weekend (OK).

Retained products of conception?

Oh God...I thought a D and C was supposed to clean you out. I'm bleeding more now than the first few days afterwards - and clots. I just went to the bathroom and a gush of blood and clots came out. I was given a number to call at the hospital if I was at all concerned. After speaking with what sounded like a 12 year old nurse I feel even more concerned. In fact I'm shit scared.

I might as well have opted for waiting for Mother Nature the amount of stuff that seems to be coming out. There was less than this after giving birth! Period like pains too. Apparently I might have retained products of conception and my uterus might be trying to expel everything itself. However...I could start to haemorrhage or I might need another bloody D and C to rectify things.......OMG I sincerely hope not. I thought that was the point of the D and C - to get rid of everything. :(

Feeling very upset, scared and angry today. Crying all the time - I think I have postnatal depression now too. It's all too much...I can't bear to even look outside - everything hurts my eyes....too bright. This morning I wanted to die.....I just feel that it would be easier for everyone - no need to pay back the scholarship funds I've been granted already. It is my gorgeous son who keeps me going......oh please, please make this all stop so that I can enjoy him.......PLEASE...PLEASE

Empty

Well its been done. I've had the D and C - or as the surgeon wrote - 'evacuation of uterus'.
Going in there I was terrified. I had been not-so-secretly hoping that I would begin to miscarry naturally. I felt scared that the anaesthesia would kill me and I would never see my gorgeous son again.

I discussed local with sedation versus general with the anaesthetist and was told they both carried the same risks. Armed with plenty of information I opted to be completely out to it!

Next thing I recall is calling the nurse by the wrong name...then starting to cry. It was all over - I was empty.

Long awaited cup of coffee, a sandwich, cheese and crackers and a biscuit I was a little better (I'd had to fast all day) - albeit slightly woozy and unsteady.

An hour and a half after admission and I was able to go home. DH had bought a cute cuddly toy. I cried a little. We got home and I got a hot water bottle for comfort and took some panadol. Pain wasn't too bad.

No sleep that night - my mind was racing and I was a little uncomfortable. I kept having visions of waffles and Lego minifigures (not at the same time).

Next day - I wasn't too bad....I actually felt a little relieved that it was all over and I might be able to start getting life back on track again. We went to an ANZAC parade and to the beach. A lovely warm sunny day.

Today - I feel sad, lonely and empty. I don't have the feeling of relief anymore. The physical pain is now minimal as is the bleeding. My breasts are hard and sore - its as if my body thinks there has been a birth :(  I'm having drenching night sweats that I presume are related to hormone imbalance. Maybe this is all just hormonal and I need to wait for them settle?!

I'm also feeling angry at my supervisor who said to me:
          "think of it this way - my niece had a miscarriage at the other end - a still birth"

Well yes, that must be an extremely traumatic experience and it does put things in perspective but THANKS FOR MINIMISING OUR PAIN.

I'm trying to think of something nice to do for myself - all I can think of is spending money! Perhaps I could get some new clothes once the bloating and sore boobs are sorted. I thought about going to the Garden Centre and getting some plants - but I'm feeling agoraphobic again. A massage - no means going to the panic inducing mall.......

Since I've been cleaned out I'll just stay home and clean out the house!

Missed Miscarriage - D&C here I come :(

It's been confirmed. The embryo has died but the gestational sac is still developing. This means that by some cruel misunderstanding by my body - I'm still getting morning sickness and assorted aches and pains.

Tuesday I will have a D and C - I can't stand to wait for Mother Nature to take her course - it could take weeks and I'll have to pass and look at clots. Same goes for medical management i.e misoprostol - pain clots etc; more scans to make sure all pregnancy tissue has passed.

I'm utterly miserable, my hormones are completely fucked up - no wonder I feel like shit. Big fat :(