Fluoxetine haze?

Haven't posted for a while what with Christmas and everything. Had still been having panic attacks until today....but today and yesterday - hugely sleepy and lethargic. Can barely move - hoping it just the increase in Fluoxetine kicking in. Regardless...it's not very pleasant....feels like body failing me and shutting down....I don't know.

Life is not about our jobs or the things we own. It's about relationships and appreciating those we love. - Natalie Murphy

Natalie Murphy

Oh man.....now I'm getting shortness of breath and chest pains that I wasn't getting before. Is it all just tension...tension in my chest wall and intercostal muscles? I can't do this anymore - I'm scared to death - scared about death.

And what I have I got to worry about? Really?
Brave and stunning Natalie Murphy died yesterday of breast cancer that had metasticised to her liver and spine  :( 

I shuld have things put into perspective through her story - my health problems aren't going to end my life (well I don't think so) and leave behind a husband and gorgeous son.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/6163075/Natalie-Murphy-passes-away

This beautiful woman decided to remain positive in the face of terminal cancer and her story and the story of her young family saddened and inspired others worldwide.

The pair had planned to renew their vows in March but earlier this month doctors told her she had between two and eight weeks to live so the date was shifted to New Years Day after almost 10 years of marriage. But 35 year old Natalie passed away yesterday after suddenly taking a turn for the worse. Her husband wrote on Facebook that she died "While surrounded by the people she loved the most, she passed peacefully from this world into the next."

Speaking to a radio station less than two weeks ago she said she was finally coming to accept her cancer battle was coming to an end.

"No matter when that last breath comes, I know it will be filled with love and happiness and that makes me one very lucky woman. I can guarantee you that if I died tonight I would die an extremely happy woman," she said.

Thousands of comments have been posted on news websites and on her Facebook page with many inspired by her courage.

One day their son Jackson will read all the amazing tributes and be so proud of his strong, brave, gorgeous, inspirational mum. She has affected so many lives for the better.

Even though I didn't know Natalie, I had been following her story.....an unimaginable ordeal.....having to prepare to miss out on your son growing up. Just. Not. Fair - bad things happening to good people.

I must do her memory justice and pull myself together - put things in perspective girl!

.

Mirena is out

15th December 

Last night was the second session of  the L.I.F.E course and again it was really good. I'd had a rough time during the day. Was fine during the course and then felt sort of flu like afterwards - but it didn't come to anything.
It's been removed, the Mirena - was a piece of cake - didn't feel a thing - didn't even realise she'd removed it - the placing of the speculum was the most uncomfortable thing. So relieved - I swear, I have less lower abdominal discomfort already. Nearly four years....wow. It will be interesting to see how the next couple of months pan out.
Felt quite good for a while after getting that out - but going to the Mall with DH to get some Christmas shopping done perhaps wasn't a good idea....bright fluorescent lights, people everywhere...pushing and shoving....it was too much....my head developed a cramp on the left hand side and I felt very unsteady and woozy.

Completely freaked out once home....crying and crying - I can't describe it - unbelievable distress, discomfort, torture - every minute of every hour. So exhausted from all this.

16th December

And again today - despite using distraction techniques; still the unsteadiness and sudden woozy spells - then off I'd go again - freaked out, shitting myself (literally). It didn't help that I was picking up my son and another boy from their last day at school and look after them both for three hours. How could I possibly do it? Visions of myself passing out and leaving two 5 year old boys to their own devices.

I have noticed though - I do breathe very shallowly - I must be chronically hyperventilating. I tried to breathe more deeply - you know...that diaphragmatic breathing. It only made me more aware of by body......

Its been a really rough week....and now Aunt Flo seems to have arrived again - early...perhaps that's why all the panic. Premenstrual. Tomorrow should be better.

Crack my head open and get 'it' out

Arrgggghhhh I want it out of my head - out of my brain. I want to crack my head open and make it bleed out. I nearly whacked my head on the glass sliding door....it takes all my strength to stop myself doing something like that. I'll bite my arm instead. Sometimes I hit my head really hard with my fists to try to make it stop - try to jolt it out or reset my brain.

This cancer of the mind - it's eating me away.

I wish I could go into hospital for a 'rest' - just sedate me for tow weeks and gently bring me back when it's all over.

Fuck you anxiety - fuck off

Fuck you - you fuckin arsehole, panic attacks. You're getting on my fucking nerves - literally! You need to go away you sneaky piece of shit! Go fuck yourself I'm done with you ! Conniving monster, that wakes up in the morning as soon as I do, if not before, raring to get at me. Anxiety is a very subtle - making 'suggestions' that I can't do it - I can't get through another day - I can't take my son to school. 

I feel broken. I should hang a sign on myself or get a t-shirt - OUT OF ORDER!!!!  Got so bad this morning my son tried to go next door to get help. Such a gorgeous loving understanding boy.

Well fuck you, Anxiety Monster. I’m going to take my son to school. SO THERE. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?   Fuck you. Fuckedy, fuck fuck fuck.

I hate that anxiety has the best of me. It’s destroying our lives. If only it would leave as easily as it arrived.

Now I'm going through the whole can't see properly thing and I'm in some kind of strange parallel universe where things aren't real - none of you look real to me - I don't feel real....I'm giddy, dizzy.