Visited my GP....I was supposed to have a follow up appointment in January and return the book about controlling worry that she lent me! I've done well not to visit a GP for a couple of months!!
I've been having chest pains and I wanted to make sure (i.e. I needed reassurance) that my heart was/is coping with all the stress and upset I've been subjecting it to and that the chest pains were/are in fact musculoskeletal.
My new GP is very thorough and trust worthy :) She said my pains don't sound like heart pain and investigated the movement of my thoracic spine (that incidentally has been giving me grief for years and have had x-rays etc but last GP couldn't find anything wrong and said it was probably psychosomatic not that - that made it any less real!). Turns out the explanation is thoracic joint dysfunction and pains are being referred to my ribs, chest and arms.......I'm to try to hang upside down from time to time, you know - like Deuce Bigalow does just before he smashes the fish tank?! (Kids playground?!) and get back into swimming.
As for the bad taste in my mouth, retching, gagging and nausea - silent reflux (LPR) and am to try Gaviscon three times a day and at night for a couple of weeks and if that doesn't work - Losec.
So far I still have the awful in taste in my mouth, very dry mouth and nausea, upset bowels etc etc.
Sigh....I'm so tired
Thursday, 16 February 2012
Monday, 13 February 2012
The 'meaning' or symbolism behind my symptoms
Today in C.B.T we talked about patterns that keep reoccurring in my life and about my symptoms and what they might be trying to tell me:
Feeling like might become paralysed - paralysed to move forward or have my legs move me forward in the direction I want to go. Feeling stuck.
Nausea, retching, vomiting - physically being sick so that it is OK not to have to go anywhere. Wanting to be pregnant (pseudo morning sickness).
Feelings of choking, lump in throat - feeling that I'm not able to speak up for myself or say what I really want to say.
Dizziness, giddiness, feeling like body shutting down - wanting to shut everything out, wanting to shut down....have a break.
Backache - spineless
Bilious - not having the gall, feeling liverish, bilious - things are too lurid, greenish, sickly to deal with. Exasperated.
Sour or bitter taste in mouth - something is leaving a bad taste in my mouth - something is bad. Distasteful experience. Something has left a bad impression.
Pain in the neck - pretty obvious
So....I got upset about not feeling like I was going in the direction I want to be and about having another baby. I'm left with some thinking to do - do I want to continue with my PhD? Do we/I want another baby?
There have been some improvements - I can can drive the car without DH being with me and I am able to queue up for coffee. I sat through the first part of my root canal too!!
I feel a sense of relief when my psychologist and I talked about giving up the PhD and her giving me permission to if I want to..........maybe that is the answer.......
Feeling like might become paralysed - paralysed to move forward or have my legs move me forward in the direction I want to go. Feeling stuck.
Nausea, retching, vomiting - physically being sick so that it is OK not to have to go anywhere. Wanting to be pregnant (pseudo morning sickness).
Feelings of choking, lump in throat - feeling that I'm not able to speak up for myself or say what I really want to say.
Dizziness, giddiness, feeling like body shutting down - wanting to shut everything out, wanting to shut down....have a break.
Backache - spineless
Bilious - not having the gall, feeling liverish, bilious - things are too lurid, greenish, sickly to deal with. Exasperated.
Sour or bitter taste in mouth - something is leaving a bad taste in my mouth - something is bad. Distasteful experience. Something has left a bad impression.
Pain in the neck - pretty obvious
So....I got upset about not feeling like I was going in the direction I want to be and about having another baby. I'm left with some thinking to do - do I want to continue with my PhD? Do we/I want another baby?
There have been some improvements - I can can drive the car without DH being with me and I am able to queue up for coffee. I sat through the first part of my root canal too!!
I feel a sense of relief when my psychologist and I talked about giving up the PhD and her giving me permission to if I want to..........maybe that is the answer.......
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Root Canal
Yesterday I ended up visiting an after hours emergency dentist (public holiday - Waitangi Day)....the day before I bit down on a soft apricot and brandy ball and found that I had bits of tooth in my mouth. I did think it might have been desiccated coconut at first but the pieces were way too hard for that even though about the same size! I flossed and managed to get more tooth out - tooth with brown stains on the end.
That tooth (my second premolar) has been sore since before Christmas.....I was putting off going to the dentist cos its so damn expensive here (not subsidised).
X-rays showed a big black patch filling the centre of my tooth....its rotten and infected and I required a root canal ($NZD 700.00-1000.00) in order to save the tooth - or pull the tooth out (starting at $NZD 170.00).
There was no way I could pay (other than for the $55.00 consult) but they told me I might be able to get StudyLink to pay for the root canal. So I'm hanging on the phone line (over half an hour now) to find out if I'm entitled - but probably not because I am married.
Oops no....I've been cut off due to high call volumes so they're unable to take my call at this time.
Grrrrrrrr. I should bill them for the time I had to wait!!
Antibiotics (Flagyl) are on the menu now - upset stomach and more health related things to freak me out.
Still having bad anxiety and severe panic attacks. I have a review appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon - the fluoxetine doesn't seem to be working anymore :( That means we'll be looking at tapering down and changing to either a different SSRI or a TCA or something else. Maybe I'll get to try AVANZA?
Oh joy.......more trial and error - I'm just a guinea pig really aren't I?!!!
Still with the numbness, dizziness, unsteadiness....
Will keep anyone who is reading....posted!
That tooth (my second premolar) has been sore since before Christmas.....I was putting off going to the dentist cos its so damn expensive here (not subsidised).
X-rays showed a big black patch filling the centre of my tooth....its rotten and infected and I required a root canal ($NZD 700.00-1000.00) in order to save the tooth - or pull the tooth out (starting at $NZD 170.00).
There was no way I could pay (other than for the $55.00 consult) but they told me I might be able to get StudyLink to pay for the root canal. So I'm hanging on the phone line (over half an hour now) to find out if I'm entitled - but probably not because I am married.
Oops no....I've been cut off due to high call volumes so they're unable to take my call at this time.
Grrrrrrrr. I should bill them for the time I had to wait!!
Antibiotics (Flagyl) are on the menu now - upset stomach and more health related things to freak me out.
Still having bad anxiety and severe panic attacks. I have a review appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon - the fluoxetine doesn't seem to be working anymore :( That means we'll be looking at tapering down and changing to either a different SSRI or a TCA or something else. Maybe I'll get to try AVANZA?
Oh joy.......more trial and error - I'm just a guinea pig really aren't I?!!!
Still with the numbness, dizziness, unsteadiness....
Will keep anyone who is reading....posted!
Saturday, 4 February 2012
Cuttings
Ventured back to work yesterday. It was terrible it was hard......this all feels like a bad dream...when will I wake up?
It was so overwhelming - people had bought flowers for my office, chocolates, affirmations and I felt so bad because I only lasted three and half hours. Some say I should hang on to the positive.....at least I went there!!
I couldn't sleep last night. Well I could...I was falling asleep on the couch and went to bed at 8.30. Woke at the predictable 1am. Tried progressive muscle relaxation, breathing.....my muscles are so tense it is as if they stuck in contraction! Took 1/4 a clonazepam and dozed for two hours....awake again.....dozed some more.......woke, tried muscle relaxation...dozed.....6 am
I felt so bad by 6 am all I could do was cry and cry and then I got so angry at myself for being this pathetic....I got the nail scissors out and cut and scratched at my forearm. It was bleeding and it is still weepy....so sore. But the initial relief to feel a real physical pain and have it distract me was great for a time. Now I am ashamed and embarrassed.....covered it with gauze and a bandage.....will have to tell people I scraped myself gardening or something :(
So incredibly, unbelievably, exhausted, tired, fatigued....at end of my endurance.
It was so overwhelming - people had bought flowers for my office, chocolates, affirmations and I felt so bad because I only lasted three and half hours. Some say I should hang on to the positive.....at least I went there!!
I couldn't sleep last night. Well I could...I was falling asleep on the couch and went to bed at 8.30. Woke at the predictable 1am. Tried progressive muscle relaxation, breathing.....my muscles are so tense it is as if they stuck in contraction! Took 1/4 a clonazepam and dozed for two hours....awake again.....dozed some more.......woke, tried muscle relaxation...dozed.....6 am
I felt so bad by 6 am all I could do was cry and cry and then I got so angry at myself for being this pathetic....I got the nail scissors out and cut and scratched at my forearm. It was bleeding and it is still weepy....so sore. But the initial relief to feel a real physical pain and have it distract me was great for a time. Now I am ashamed and embarrassed.....covered it with gauze and a bandage.....will have to tell people I scraped myself gardening or something :(
So incredibly, unbelievably, exhausted, tired, fatigued....at end of my endurance.
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
Dizzy Giddy
Really bad dizziness combined with numbness/tingling of left shin and left hand. Why can I not accept this as anxiety/panic/depression.....chronic muscle tension......and not something like M.S. or a stroke....something neurological?
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Quetiapine and other nasties
Things have not been going at all well.
I felt quite good for three days in the the New Year - then everyone went back to work and their 'normal' lives......leaving me feeling very aware of how 'abnormal' I am.
I started to completely freak out - hysterical crying.....extreme paralysing fear. Went back to the psychiatrist who recommended a very low dose (12.5 mg) of quetiapine (aka Seroquel). THAT WAS AWFUL. The first night I felt really good as I came home from the LIFE course and was almost a little excited by the 'promise' of this wonder drug....as it was extolled. Took my first dose despite my extreme medication fears. Woke in the middle of the night to feeling VERY strange......I was in a huge panic yet my body felt paralysed and I was strangely calm all at once. Very very scary. The next morning I did not want to be left alone - I was extremely freaked. The emergency psych team called me and convinced me to take my next dose on the phone...........I was paralysed with fear again. A bureau nurse had to be sent around to keep an eye on me and help me for the rest of the day. I felt terrible. Didn't take any more Quetaipine.
That night I had the strangest 'racing' thoughts.....only they weren't racing in the sense I thought most people meant.....they were in hyper-drive and a single thought about the strangest things would last a split second.....apricots, woman in brown pants, hot sand....I can't remember...thousands and thousands of fleeting thoughts and images.........I didn't sleep at all the night.
So things went from bad to worse - I couldn't be left alone.....half of me became suicidal.....I looked at all the pills I had available. ***** had to come home from work. My arms and legs developed strange contractions, spasms and twitches. They would jerk....I just about be asleep and then jerk - wide awake again. Would wake up with sewing-machine leg (right one) in the morning.
Psychiatrist and key worker suggested I go into day respite care - it seemed like a good idea at first - people to hold my hand while I started to try to do things I used to like - walks, arts and crafts.
I started on the Monday....that day was awful - 'status panicus' all day long. Unsurprisingly, I didn't sleep at all that Monday night. DH drove me to respite care on Tuesday - but I was terrified to go in - I couldn't face another day like the one before. DH and support person had to drag me in - my legs went paralytic - both left and right like sewing machines.....I couldn't walk. I was given a clonazepam and slept in an available room upstairs. That afternoon I was a bit better - but zombie like: the clonazepam seems to do that to me.
Another go at respite on the Wednesday - started off OK; walked in myself - no tears. Didn't last long - got tense and panicky listening to the new live in person - schizophrenia....to add to the bipolar and depression mix. I've never met a real live one before ......it's an absolutely devastating disorder. Scary. It took me a long time to figure out what ****'* disorder was. His tongue did strange repetitive movements and he was praying and was fanatically evangelistic .......it was very very tiring to see and hear. Apparently I am a good person and will have eternal life because he was Jesus and he gets to say who get eternal life. It was useful for me to experience and know that my disorder is well.....different to that. And besides....unless things have changed.....my brain ventricles are OK.
I had strange numb patches today - on my forearm, my shin and the left side of my head - definitely signs of a neurological disorder I was thinking!!
Thursday was awful too - a second schizophrenic who believed he was a member of the SAS. I shut myself in the arts and crafts room for the day. I had bad nausea and stiffness ALL day. Managed to fall asleep on the couch for an hour or so.
Friday - decided I wasn't going to go and would look after our Son. Thought I was having prodromal heart attack symptoms all day.
Probably more respite for DH anyway - so that he could go to work and have some peace from my frantic texts, calls and emails!
I felt quite good for three days in the the New Year - then everyone went back to work and their 'normal' lives......leaving me feeling very aware of how 'abnormal' I am.
I started to completely freak out - hysterical crying.....extreme paralysing fear. Went back to the psychiatrist who recommended a very low dose (12.5 mg) of quetiapine (aka Seroquel). THAT WAS AWFUL. The first night I felt really good as I came home from the LIFE course and was almost a little excited by the 'promise' of this wonder drug....as it was extolled. Took my first dose despite my extreme medication fears. Woke in the middle of the night to feeling VERY strange......I was in a huge panic yet my body felt paralysed and I was strangely calm all at once. Very very scary. The next morning I did not want to be left alone - I was extremely freaked. The emergency psych team called me and convinced me to take my next dose on the phone...........I was paralysed with fear again. A bureau nurse had to be sent around to keep an eye on me and help me for the rest of the day. I felt terrible. Didn't take any more Quetaipine.
That night I had the strangest 'racing' thoughts.....only they weren't racing in the sense I thought most people meant.....they were in hyper-drive and a single thought about the strangest things would last a split second.....apricots, woman in brown pants, hot sand....I can't remember...thousands and thousands of fleeting thoughts and images.........I didn't sleep at all the night.
So things went from bad to worse - I couldn't be left alone.....half of me became suicidal.....I looked at all the pills I had available. ***** had to come home from work. My arms and legs developed strange contractions, spasms and twitches. They would jerk....I just about be asleep and then jerk - wide awake again. Would wake up with sewing-machine leg (right one) in the morning.
Psychiatrist and key worker suggested I go into day respite care - it seemed like a good idea at first - people to hold my hand while I started to try to do things I used to like - walks, arts and crafts.
I started on the Monday....that day was awful - 'status panicus' all day long. Unsurprisingly, I didn't sleep at all that Monday night. DH drove me to respite care on Tuesday - but I was terrified to go in - I couldn't face another day like the one before. DH and support person had to drag me in - my legs went paralytic - both left and right like sewing machines.....I couldn't walk. I was given a clonazepam and slept in an available room upstairs. That afternoon I was a bit better - but zombie like: the clonazepam seems to do that to me.
Another go at respite on the Wednesday - started off OK; walked in myself - no tears. Didn't last long - got tense and panicky listening to the new live in person - schizophrenia....to add to the bipolar and depression mix. I've never met a real live one before ......it's an absolutely devastating disorder. Scary. It took me a long time to figure out what ****'* disorder was. His tongue did strange repetitive movements and he was praying and was fanatically evangelistic .......it was very very tiring to see and hear. Apparently I am a good person and will have eternal life because he was Jesus and he gets to say who get eternal life. It was useful for me to experience and know that my disorder is well.....different to that. And besides....unless things have changed.....my brain ventricles are OK.
I had strange numb patches today - on my forearm, my shin and the left side of my head - definitely signs of a neurological disorder I was thinking!!
Thursday was awful too - a second schizophrenic who believed he was a member of the SAS. I shut myself in the arts and crafts room for the day. I had bad nausea and stiffness ALL day. Managed to fall asleep on the couch for an hour or so.
Friday - decided I wasn't going to go and would look after our Son. Thought I was having prodromal heart attack symptoms all day.
Probably more respite for DH anyway - so that he could go to work and have some peace from my frantic texts, calls and emails!
Saturday, 14 January 2012
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