Cuttings

Ventured back to work yesterday. It was terrible it was hard......this all feels like a bad dream...when will I wake up?

It was so overwhelming - people had bought flowers for my office, chocolates, affirmations and I felt so bad because I only lasted three and half hours. Some say I should hang on to the positive.....at least I went there!!

I couldn't sleep last night. Well I could...I was falling asleep on the couch and went to bed at 8.30. Woke at the predictable 1am. Tried progressive muscle relaxation, breathing.....my muscles are so tense it is as if they stuck in contraction! Took 1/4 a clonazepam and dozed for two hours....awake again.....dozed some more.......woke, tried muscle relaxation...dozed.....6 am

I felt so bad by 6 am all I could do was cry and cry and then I got so angry at myself for being this pathetic....I got the nail scissors out and cut and scratched at my forearm. It was bleeding and it is still weepy....so sore. But the initial relief to feel a real physical pain and have it distract me was great for a time. Now I am ashamed and embarrassed.....covered it with gauze and a bandage.....will have to tell people I scraped myself gardening or something :(

So incredibly, unbelievably, exhausted, tired, fatigued....at end of my endurance.