Why do I do this?

Oh why do I do this to myself. Took my medication today with a cold drink - every time I do that I get severe heartburn...its almost as if the Fluoxetine capsule gets stuck half way down and letches its contents directly onto my oesophagus - burning it. Every time I swallow........OUCH!

And why to I confide some things to my Mum when I know she'll come back with something as her attempt to control me? Phone rings....should I answer it? Oh no...damn...its her. Today she wanted to talk with me about God....that I shouldn't have to struggle like this and I've said myself I have trouble letting go - but God is there for me...all I have to do is let go to Him, give up my problems to Him. She's been getting messages from God.....in the form of a tune stuck in her head...she found it was Brooke Fraser's 'Lead me to the cross' and felt the lyrics were meant for me...and am I still talking to God??!!!!!

Yes that's right.....this struggle will all end for me if I just let Jesus into my heart...simple as that! Argggghhhhh. Some people take benzos others take God...whatever works...

I happened to mention that I might need to change my medication because clearly the Fluoxetine isn't doing diddly-squat anymore. And Mum knows my fears over changing medications. God will be there for me while I try something else. Sigh.

Still with the awful giddiness - are they sure I don't have a diseased heart? I'm scared to move in case I do more damage.