Terrified

Under 'normal' circumstances, my husband's going away for work would not be a problem. Given recent 'abnormal' circumstances.....I am in a complete state about it. DH has to go to Sydney for a conference that he himself feels is a waste of time etc etc. I have been having enough trouble getting through each day - now I have to get through four and a half days and 4 nights without him. I've just gotten over the flu only to have another sore throat and the feeling that I'm about to get something else - I just cannot bear the thought of more illness....my body won't cope...it will kill me to have anything else.

I am so terrified that I am going to drop dead and leave our son on his own. Of course he won't be on his own because he has a friend living two doors down on one side of the street and two on the other side of the street.....plus one time I was having a huge panic attack he said he was going next door to get help! :/   So he'll be fine - it's me we need to worry about.

The deep down problem that I haven't told anyone is - I don't want my son being left with my husband. DH fluffs around like and old mother hen, can't cope with minor annoyances and completely loses it with DH most nights if not EVERY evening and everyday in the weekend. I really want to film him on my mobile phone just to show him how he looks and sounds. It can be quite frightening...and it certainly doesn't help with our son because he either says "Daddy you scared me" or just laughs at his Dad and winds him up even more.

This has been a problem ever since DS was born. DH just doesn't seem to do well. Sure he's great with playing with DS - but such a short fuse. I've tried and tried to discuss the inappropriateness of his reactions. I've written in a diary, but long since threw that away....I wanted to keep a record just in case we end up having a custody battle one day.

The odd thing is; home life is probably going to be a whole lot less stressful this week without him. I get tense as soon as he arrives home after work - I feel my arms clench up. I can't stand the sight or sound (noisy eater and mouth breather) of him. He snores loudly all night and his breath stinks. I told him time and time again about his breath. He's tried flossing and tongue brushing - it still smells like rotting vegetation. Our sex life is non-existent since the miscarriage - but then it's never been flash from the start (13 years ago). Now I've got an excuse. I know it takes two - but well I've just never really been physically attracted to him. Sometimes I wonder how and why I've hung around so long. I sound so mean - he's stood by me and supported me and everyone thinks he's the sweetest, kindest most caring and loyal guy. Its me that's the problem; I'm a bitch.

Maybe I should take this week to consider our future. I suspect that despite my panic about being left in charge that I might feel relief. It'll be a good time for me and DS to be together.