Why can't I let go? Relax?

I think part of the reason why I can't let go and relax is that I am too frightened to let go of my need to be in control. Its as if I were to let go then I would be letting death in - I have to have a hold or grip on myself to make sure I don't have a 'symptom' of impending death - that way I can get the help I will need - should I need it. In essence, am I trying to control death?!! Something that can't be controlled.

And sometimes when I do begin to let go and relax, I become fearful of the sensations of my body relaxing and I am jolted back to tension.

I need to be able to let go and use the energy that I'm using to hold on to recover.

But it is damn well easier said than done. Sometimes I try to tell myself to just give up - let go - so what - let death come if its going to - I've been struggling like this for almost a year and it hasn't killed me yet. Death might be a blessed relief. Or it might not - the suffering might continue - we really don't know, won't know - until we get there.

Other times I tell myself that relaxation has got to be better than this tension. But what if I do let go and death comes? What if I let down my guard and death sneaks in - catching me unawares?

Sigh - backwards and forwards the thoughts go - keeping me in constant turmoil, constant spiral - constant fight. EXHAUSTION.