Clonazepam zombie daze

Well....I completely flipped on Tuesday of last week. I was about to turn 41 on the Thursday, my husband was to be away for work again. On the Monday I felt I had better go and see my doctor because I had two big pustulous sores in my right ear - I couldn't hear properly. I panicked outside the doctors and then again in the waiting room.....I came over all hot and shaky and flu like and was convinced that this was the moment I was going to die.

I got up and somehow made my way over to reception and said something like: "Err I'm having a bit of a panic attack". The receptionist must have seen it all before because she quickly and discretely whisked me away to the nurses station - where they took my temp and other vitals and rendered me to be fine (apart from the panic).

Saw my GP about my ear and got a prescription for ear drops - well...EYE drops.....to put in my ear. Then we talked about my anxiety. yes...it had gone from bad to worse again. I said I was going to call my psychiatrist to have my medication reassessed. So my GP called herself because she didn't think I would - smart lady!

Tuesday morning....crying , crying, crying and more panic - a nurse from the community mental health centre had to come and get me. Took me to see the new psychiatric registrar.

Long story short - I was to up my Fluoxetine to 60mg and start taking Clonazepam (Paxam, Klonopin, Rivotril) twice a day for a few week - to try and dampen/suppress the anxiety and panic and enable my body to recover. I was to take 0.5 mg twice a day but 0.25 twice a day is rendering me a zombie!

I know Marceline is a vampire - but she has a zombie dog - Schwabl!

Well something like that sure is happening - I CANNOT physically have a panic attack, I'm now a zombie. I keep wanting/needing to lie down and I've slept much of the past week - day and night. My head and body feel leaden. Well at least I've stopped fighting now......my body is getting rest - I think...that is if these pills are screwing with me. I don't even care....that's how lax they've made me feel.

Probably the most unpleasant birthday I've ever had despite all the wonderful things other people did for me :(

I've been told that the sedation will pass as I get used to the drug and it will continue to exert its anxiolytic effect. Hope these headaches go too.....maybe its all just residual muscle tension and my body has a lot of catching up to do????

Vicious circle

"Anxiety is a survival mechanism that prepares us to act when we detect a threat in our environment that we will need to manage.

When we doubt our ability to handle things we tend to be on the look-out for potential threats and anxiety experiences become more intense, more prolonged and more frequent than usual.

When those experiences are coupled with attempts to cope by avoidance and/or suppression, we become stuck in a cycle of anxiety that decreases positive experiences of the world and makes every aspect of daily life a struggle.

Intense anxiety is designed to overtake all of our thought processes so all of our resources can be directed towards surviving the threat. Once it has been fully triggered, it is very difficult to turn our thoughts to other things or access a wider perspective by ourselves".

From Engage Aotearoa http://www.engagenz.co.nz/ 

So that explains why I cannot, can't possibly ever think about other things in the midst of an attack! Aha. That's why it's such a vicious circle.

Groundhog day - same old s**t - but I must stop fighting/resisting

Another day same symptoms - back pain, chest tightness, all kinds of aches and pains, throat clearing, reflux, nausea, brain fog, heavy head, feeling faint/unsteady, shallow breathing - breath holding, too scared to go anywhere...can't leave the house - trouble moving from one room to the next. Constant fretting that I'm dying and doctors have missed something. Constant fretting that I'll get all the illnesses going around at the moment despite taking olive leaf extract.

But my psychologist tells me I need to stop fighting the symptoms and just observe with interest after all: anxiety follows the universal principle – The more you resist, the more it persists - and what you accept you go beyond.

I'm going to go to the library now to pick up the books I have on hold and I'll try this observation business out - back soon

Well that wasn't so bad....I was hoping to be able to rush into the library and rush out again via the self-checkout. One of the books wouldn't scan so I had to wait in the queue (not good with queues), whilst waiting I realised that the barcode for checkout was on the front of this particular book and not the back as they usually are. Scanned again - stopped to look at Margaret Mahy books on the way out (NZ's childrens' literary great died yesterday). And picked up an SPCA cupcake day brochure (I've been doing some cake decorating).

Then I thought I'd brave getting a flat white (coffee). Ordered and then saw the row of orders :(  Ah well....I'll look at the condiments and min gingerbread men for sale. Ah NO!!!! A stupid woman who was last took the coffee of the woman waiting before me....now things have to be done again and I need to wait longer for mine........but I coped fine. Wow!!! The only time I felt 'funny' was walking back to the car.....my legs felt funny - oh...just observe them - how interesting my legs feel a bit funny, like jelly, like lead...how interesting!!

Hmmmm...that seemed to work :)

Thought I might even go and sit in the car at the beach and drink my coffee - but no...don't want to stretch myself too much for one day.



 

Now I'm thinking - Heart Damage?! Or Fibromyalgia

Arrghhhhhh - now I'm having a tight chest, weakness, fatigue - all the rest of it. So I'm immediately thinking - womens' heart attack symptoms and/or my heart has been weakened and is damaged because of all the anxiety and panic. I can't win - these thought/obsessions with my body and its functioning.

But the pain in all my joints and my back has increased today - so perhaps the chest symptoms are relative to that - thoracic tension??! Sigh...I don't know. Every time I get up to something I feel exhausted and weak. I've been cleaning the house and fixing my lunch in fits and starts. Then I have to stop and rest for five minutes.

The pain - pain in the upper centre of my back, right hip - aching elbows, wrists, knees, ankles - biceps, triceps, quads, trapezius. Wow - that about corresponds to the trigger/tender points of fibromyalgia:

Or is fibromyalgia just another manifestation of depression?
Awww I need deep tissue massage and chiropractic - someone to 'crack' my back.

Some days I just can't bear this anymore - yet I go on.....

Why do I do this?

Oh why do I do this to myself. Took my medication today with a cold drink - every time I do that I get severe heartburn...its almost as if the Fluoxetine capsule gets stuck half way down and letches its contents directly onto my oesophagus - burning it. Every time I swallow........OUCH!

And why to I confide some things to my Mum when I know she'll come back with something as her attempt to control me? Phone rings....should I answer it? Oh no...damn...its her. Today she wanted to talk with me about God....that I shouldn't have to struggle like this and I've said myself I have trouble letting go - but God is there for me...all I have to do is let go to Him, give up my problems to Him. She's been getting messages from God.....in the form of a tune stuck in her head...she found it was Brooke Fraser's 'Lead me to the cross' and felt the lyrics were meant for me...and am I still talking to God??!!!!!

Yes that's right.....this struggle will all end for me if I just let Jesus into my heart...simple as that! Argggghhhhh. Some people take benzos others take God...whatever works...

I happened to mention that I might need to change my medication because clearly the Fluoxetine isn't doing diddly-squat anymore. And Mum knows my fears over changing medications. God will be there for me while I try something else. Sigh.

Still with the awful giddiness - are they sure I don't have a diseased heart? I'm scared to move in case I do more damage.



Why can't I let go? Relax?

I think part of the reason why I can't let go and relax is that I am too frightened to let go of my need to be in control. Its as if I were to let go then I would be letting death in - I have to have a hold or grip on myself to make sure I don't have a 'symptom' of impending death - that way I can get the help I will need - should I need it. In essence, am I trying to control death?!! Something that can't be controlled.

And sometimes when I do begin to let go and relax, I become fearful of the sensations of my body relaxing and I am jolted back to tension.

I need to be able to let go and use the energy that I'm using to hold on to recover.

But it is damn well easier said than done. Sometimes I try to tell myself to just give up - let go - so what - let death come if its going to - I've been struggling like this for almost a year and it hasn't killed me yet. Death might be a blessed relief. Or it might not - the suffering might continue - we really don't know, won't know - until we get there.

Other times I tell myself that relaxation has got to be better than this tension. But what if I do let go and death comes? What if I let down my guard and death sneaks in - catching me unawares?

Sigh - backwards and forwards the thoughts go - keeping me in constant turmoil, constant spiral - constant fight. EXHAUSTION.

Phobos, Phrike and Demios - Gods of Fear, Horror, Terror and the like

Fear - Diemos, Phobos, and Phrike - Matt Lindley

I picked up a brochure from The Phobic Trust whilst sitting in the waiting room at my Psychologist's this morning. One the front page read:

"The Greek God 'Phobos' was called upon in ancient times to strike fear into the heart of ones enemies. Fear, or phobia, was believed to be one of the worst punishments to be inflicted with."

I'd agree with that!

Then I Googled Phobos to find that Phobos is often depicted as "staring backwards with eyes that glowed with fire. His mouth was full of teeth in a white row, fearful and daunting…"

Phobos often is depicted as having a lion’s or lion-like head. Interesting, given that I am a Leo. Are more Leos than other star signs typically afflicted with this horror/terror/fear that is chronic severe anxiety?

Phobos has a twin brother: Demios - the personification of terror. And then there is Phrike - the Greek Goddess of shivering and tremor. But I don't know where she fits into the Greek God genealogy!

Anyway - an interesting aside I thought. And the image above by Matt Lindley I feel captures some of the dizzying turmoil felt when in the grasp of anxiety - terrors and phobia.