Progress, Setbacks and 'Trying to Conceive (ttc)'

Things had improved immensely...I was feeling pretty damn good....able to go out for walks, queue up for coffee, fill the car with petrol, sit at the hairdressers and have my hair cut - all by myself and all things I haven't felt able to do for several months. I was beginning to feel stronger and have a little more energy - my libido was creeping back in......................then setback :(

Yes...I was standing at a pretty good cafe and came over all woozy - "oh no....oh no...gotta get out before I pass out". "it's OK, it's OK...it's just panic..it will pass" - and it did. On to the supermarket - again, came over all dizzy, again with the talking to myself.

Race to get home - driving in the car all agitated. Shit, Shit....it's back. Big cry. "OK, OK...look at how you've improved...keep going". Forced myself out for a walk on the beach. Felt better.

I had mentioned after my last psych appointment that I take up her suggestion and take a couple of weeks out for a proper holiday for myself - just doing things I would like to do and not think about work. Inevitably this was easier said than done! Thoughts about work crept in the closer it got to the date I said I would go back in. Subsequently - I still haven't returned to work and suspect my panic arose again because of the thoughts about work - all the 'shoulds' and guilt again.

I have started writing again - preparing a methods manuscript for possible publication. I'm hoping this will reignite my passion for my work and get me back into the zone again.

Speaking of reigniting passion.....depression and panic do awful things to one's libido. The mere thought of having to undertake wifely duties make me want to retch! Well I must be on the improve; libido has come back and making up for lost time.

Since the Mirena was removed last year we have no contraception...and given that I'm getting on - we decided (in conjunction with my GP) that it was now or never to have another child.

Being a scientist, I'm fully aware of fertile periods in relation to ovulation and the signs to look for - stretchy- egg white consistency cervical mucous (CM) etc. I used an online ovulation calculator tool in conjunction with CM tracking and we well...got busy the five days around ovulation. Now my breasts and nipples are sensitive.......could well be psychosomatic given my history - oh great.....I could be like a bitch (female dog) with pseudo-pregnancy!! Then mild period like cramps - oh my goodness is this implantation (or the more likely irritable bowel)?

Despite knowing that it takes  around 10 days from conception to implantation and the release of  human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) - that hormone secreted by the trophoblast that pregnancy tests detect - I've wasted four first response home pregnancy tests. Thanks over active imagination!! I must resist and wait until next Wednesday to test :P

It's just that last time we got pregnant (over 5 years ago) the first month of trying - but I must remember I'm older now and our chance of conception is dwindling month by month :(  What will be will be. On the recommendation of text-a-psychic, I've got home LH-surge ovulation kits at the ready for next month!!!

Very painful stiff neck - must be from all the tension or stemming from my jaw. there is no associated fever or neurological signs so not likely to be meningitis or a cerebral vascular accident  - sigh....hypochondriasis here we go again!