Retained products of conception?

Now the bleeding, cramping and pain in my right lower back have all increased - I passed a clot the size of a NZ fifty cent piece- the old one!

Of course all this has freaked me out so I went of to the after hours doctors - my GP not in until Thursday. After taking a detailed history the nurse felt that I might have retained products of conception - left behind from the D and C and I'd probably be referred to the hospital (only she added that that was a decision the doctor would have to make).

The doctor read my notes, came in to see me - we went over it all again and she felt that I could have retained products of conception or it could be my first period after the D and C. She called my GP's office and managed to get my hCG blood test results from the nurse. My hCG is down from 75000 to 20 and therefore borderline positive.

The upshot of all this is that i might have my first period and it is abnormal and more painful than a 'normal' one or I could have retained products of conception (RPOC). I'm to wait a few days and book an ultrasound if the bleeding etc doesn't taper off. Turns out I've left it too long after the D and C to qualify for a free ultrasound and it will cost me over $200.00 to check to see if the hospital didn't do their job properly!!!! I'll be asking for a refund if that is the case.....

Meanwhile we wait and I'm reminded of the miscarriage........and I wonder what will come my way next!

Pain pain go away.....

Here I am then with niggling period like pain - it feels like someone is trying to pull out my uterus. My bowels are upset at the same time. I'm having that right hand side abdominal pain again.

Is this a period (where there isn't much to shed because of the D and C) or is it bleeding starting up again because of the D and C? Have I got retained tissue? God I don't know.....what the fuck is going on?! I'm both physical and psychic pain and I'm so very tired. Yesterday I felt that I just had to lie down - I was in bed with a hot water bottle just after 4pm!

More blood tests - more prophylatic antibiotics. Then back to the doctor next week if things haven't settled. Another D and C or a plevic pain specialist look likely to be on the cards for me.....oh and its been strongly recommended that I have a flu vaccine since I'm so very run down (don't believe in having the flu vaccine).

PhD suspension - stinkin' head cold - and still with the hCG

Had a very constructive and beneficial meeting with my PhD Supervisors and DH. Upshot is that I am going to suspend my PhD until I am well enough to continue. My best option seems to be to suspend for one year although I can return whenever I feel I am well enough. I am to act as if this is a withdrawal though - in that I give up my office, return text books things like that - so that I am forced to have a complete break and not be thinking about what I think I 'should be' doing. Makes sense.
In the meantime I've come down with a stinking head cold that I just can't seem to shake.....I guess I'm so run down that I'll be prone to picking up everything that is going around for a while. Multivitamins and minerals here I come. Getting cold sores (haven't had one for over ten years) and styes in my eyes too - sure signs of being run down.

I still have sore breasts and I'm still spotting exactly three weeks to the day since the D and C. Since I still have sore breasts and my bras and jeans still don't fit again I decided - mainly out of curiosity - to take a home pregnancy test. Guess what? Still positive. Got myself into a bit of a panic that this may mean that I'm still retaining pregnancy tissue. I called the Womens' Assessment Unit and explained the situation - hCG can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to reach undetectable levels especially if they were high to begin with - and mine were - 75000 IU/ ul

Explains the sore breasts and tingling nipples.....thank God I don't have morning sickness anymore. And I'm still getting the proctalgia fugax/levator ani or whatever it is. That pain started when I fell pregnant and was particularly bad immediately after the D and C so I wonder if it has more to do with my uterus or cervix or pelvic floor than my anus or rectum??!!! Ah well I've got a check up with my GP tomorrow - might even be free if I can give a positive pregnancy test!!!

I just want all this ill health and these upsets to end - please God haven't I suffered enough over the past year???!!

My brain has gone on a wee holiday - that is all

"Think of it this way - you've been run over by several trucks over the past six months or so. It's not reasonable to expect yourself to be able to think straight or make positive decisions...of course nothing  is going to makemuch  sense. You're hurting and your injured....it takes months (sometimes years) to recover from broken bones and other injuries".

That black curtain I see; the one that comes down and stops me from thinking and doing - might be said to represent curtains drawn on a stage....I just cannot go on at the moment; I can't perform...but that doesn't mean I will never be able to perform again.

I need to try to think of things in shades of grey not black and white.

I've had two surgeries, my hormones are a mess - there are all kinds of feelings associated with things I've been through these past months...I've been trying to tell myself that I 'should' be able to ignore feelings and push on.......but for the time being I have to recognise that my feelings are in charge - my brain will be back in charge one day soon - it's just gone on a wee holiday.

It's important that I don't feel pushed or rushed to make decisions...

                           http://www.365daysofdrawing.co.uk/2011/11/intermission.html

My mind has shut like a clam

...the very sight of those dense, black, barbed-wire letters made my mind shut like a clam - Sylvia Plath

My mind has shut like a clam or rather a big black curtain is drawn and I can't see anything beyond it - no future.

I've withdrawn from everyone and shut down. I am emotionally numb, too afraid too move or speak. Does anyone else experience attacks where the brain appears to shut down and its really hard to move or communicate? I feel blah and my mind says duh....and that's my day - aside from panic in between.

This could explain some of it:

 "As science gains greater insight into the consequences of stress on the brain, the picture that emerges is not a pretty one. A chronic overreaction to stress overloads the brain with powerful hormones that are intended only for short-term duty in emergency situations. Their cumulative effect damages and kills brain cells".

I've been living in such a heightened state of anxiety that I can no longer function. I feel that physically and mentally I cannot handle 'this' anymore and my mind has gone into shut down.

I just can't do this anymore

WTF am I doing?

I sit here flicking between my email inbox, Facebook, various online shopping sites, news sites...and back and forwards and back and forwards. Checking my symptoms over and over again to make sure they are consistent with depression and panic disorder. It is like a compulsion - as long as I sit by the computer and do this I'll be OK!!!

Today I feel dizzy, giddy, unsteady, weak, shaky, unstable....stumbling bumbling sure I'm going to pass out and die......flushed, hot.

Stop - check my inbox - nothing - check Facebook - nothing new. Look outside - light to bright. Hang out washing - stumble, bumble...unsteady - hold on, hold on it'll be OK. No it won't what if its not OK. OMG I'm going to die - my son won't be picked up from school or he'll come home to find me dead.

Check inbox

Feeling flushed

Check Facebook

Check inbox - no reply from husband yet about today's symptoms and fears

Ohhhhhh Goddddddddd please HELP ME.

I'm still bleeding although it easing off a little - had to call the hospital yesterday for reassurance - yes apparently it can happen......I feel as if the D and C was oversold to us - I thought it would save all this blood, clots and mess :(

Inbox....still nothing       Bank account - not much       Stuff website - no change

Inbox - reply form husband:

No, it’s not. You’re depressed, and worrying about symptoms, and have lost confidence in your ability to do lots of things. Then, as a result, you’re not doing much in the way of physical exercise so when you do try to do something requiring exertion it becomes a struggle. You need to break out of that cycle. Please allow me to take you for a walk this weekend.

No, it’s not. You’re depressed, (sure am) and worrying about symptoms (guess so), and have lost confidence in your ability to do lots of things (sure have). Then, as a result, you’re not doing much in the way of physical exercise (too scared to move) so when you do try to do something requiring exertion it becomes a struggle (maybe). You need to break out of that cycle. Please allow me to take you for a walk this weekend (OK).

Withdrawing from my PhD

I've come to the realisation that I'd rather die than get back to work on my PhD. I've been worried all this time about being allowed to / having permission to quit. I can't tell you the relief I felt and clearly exhibited when I was told that I could.....that we'll manage.

All I had to do was call my supervisor and let her know. She obviously doesn't want me to go because she tried to convince me to suspend completely for 6 months in order to completely recover. She's going to find out about options and what would happen with regard to scholarship funds already paid to me. We'll have a meeting with all my supervisors and DH next week. I'll leave it at that for now.

I've done some good and well received work but I'm not sure its worth it to continue for my health and sanity sake. I really don't feel I will regret it. All the same - I am extremely grateful for all the support my supervisor has given and continues to try and give in order to help me complete. It's not the workplace or the people - its just the PhD I can't seem to face. I just cannot concentrate.

My head hurts badly on top today - and you know I cannot cope with headaches - they terrify me.