Depression hurts (literally, physically)

What the hell is wrong with me?
I hurt all over - my muscles, my joints - ankles, knees, hips, back, wrists and elbows. My mind is going fast - racing even but my body is g-o-i-n-g  s-o  s-l-o-w. I'm fighting to stay awake, conscious, alive.  Beautiful sunset last night though.

“In its severe forms, depression paralyses all of the otherwise vital forces that make us human, leaving instead a bleak, despairing, desperate, and deadened state. . .Life is bloodless, pulse-less, and yet present enough to allow a suffocating horror and pain. All bearings are lost; all things are dark and drained of feeling. The slippage into futility is first gradual, then utter. Thought, which is as pervasively affected by depression as mood, is morbid, confused, and stuporous. It is also vacillating, ruminative, indecisive, and self-castigating. The body is bone-weary; there is no will; nothing is that is not an effort, and nothing at all seems worth it. Sleep is fragmented, elusive, or all-consuming. Like an unstable, gas, an irritable exhaustion seeps into every crevice of thought and action.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison

I felt OK this morning. Dropped the boys off at school....I was able to laugh, enjoy and feel a little bit good. Then it hit again. The slowness....can't keep my eyes open, can't stay conscious bone crushing exhaustion :(  I hate this - it scares me shitless.

I feel sick, nauseous - heavy. Is this depression? Really? Is there something the doctors have missed? I'm dying...am I dying? Am I already dead?

I'm constantly being crushed under the burden of my tiredness. There is no escape from it. There is no respite. I'm bone-weary, soul-breakingly exhausted every day. Every day. Every day.

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue syndrome have been discussed with me before. I was even 'diagnosed' by a specialist clinic back in the UK a couple of years before the birth of my gorgeous son. What to do though - the prescription is the same as depression. Are these syndromes just a manifestation of depression? Graded exercise, antidepressants and C.B.T. Ppppfffttt.

Well....I've now had my PhD suspended...and while I feel some relief I also feel sad (to be expected). Clearing out my office was one of the hardest things I've had to do (asides from living with depressive episodes). It was while clearing my office that I can to the realisation of how much work I have done, how organised everything is and how little there is to go. But I need to do this - I need to 'take time to smell the roses so to speak'.

I'm going to take a couple of cake decorating classes. That's something I've wanted to do for a quite some time.