Empty

Well its been done. I've had the D and C - or as the surgeon wrote - 'evacuation of uterus'.
Going in there I was terrified. I had been not-so-secretly hoping that I would begin to miscarry naturally. I felt scared that the anaesthesia would kill me and I would never see my gorgeous son again.

I discussed local with sedation versus general with the anaesthetist and was told they both carried the same risks. Armed with plenty of information I opted to be completely out to it!

Next thing I recall is calling the nurse by the wrong name...then starting to cry. It was all over - I was empty.

Long awaited cup of coffee, a sandwich, cheese and crackers and a biscuit I was a little better (I'd had to fast all day) - albeit slightly woozy and unsteady.

An hour and a half after admission and I was able to go home. DH had bought a cute cuddly toy. I cried a little. We got home and I got a hot water bottle for comfort and took some panadol. Pain wasn't too bad.

No sleep that night - my mind was racing and I was a little uncomfortable. I kept having visions of waffles and Lego minifigures (not at the same time).

Next day - I wasn't too bad....I actually felt a little relieved that it was all over and I might be able to start getting life back on track again. We went to an ANZAC parade and to the beach. A lovely warm sunny day.

Today - I feel sad, lonely and empty. I don't have the feeling of relief anymore. The physical pain is now minimal as is the bleeding. My breasts are hard and sore - its as if my body thinks there has been a birth :(  I'm having drenching night sweats that I presume are related to hormone imbalance. Maybe this is all just hormonal and I need to wait for them settle?!

I'm also feeling angry at my supervisor who said to me:
          "think of it this way - my niece had a miscarriage at the other end - a still birth"

Well yes, that must be an extremely traumatic experience and it does put things in perspective but THANKS FOR MINIMISING OUR PAIN.

I'm trying to think of something nice to do for myself - all I can think of is spending money! Perhaps I could get some new clothes once the bloating and sore boobs are sorted. I thought about going to the Garden Centre and getting some plants - but I'm feeling agoraphobic again. A massage - no means going to the panic inducing mall.......

Since I've been cleaned out I'll just stay home and clean out the house!