Strange things are happening to my thinking. No longer am I obsessing over being about to drop dead....I'm obsessing about things lost....lost jewellery, lost opportunities....not the big ones like loss by death or separation.
Example - lost jewellery. When I was a little girl of about six or seven I was given a necklace with a stylised cat pendant. I loved that necklace.....one day I was playing at my bedroom window and it dropped outside in the garden.....we were never able to find it.
This is what it looked like.....I'm going to have to get me another. I found one online...not too expensive to have it shipped from the States!
Example - lost opportunity. When I was working in a bakery at about age 18 - I had a huge crush on the boss' son (10 years older). I was so horny for him....envisaged us making love. He would go out of his way to talk with me. Pull up in his car even and offer me a lift the few hundred metres home. I was such a dim-wit that I would always turn him down - "It's ok thanks...it's not far" Duh.....and I'd beat myself up.....I could have been rooting him silly in the back of his car or somewhere - not walking home by myself. Argghhhhh.
Several months went by with me all love sick and him being flirty - until finally he asked me if I would like to go a friends BBQ with him. Would I?????!!!!! OMG (only we didn't have acronyms then).
We had a great day/evening, I got on his with his friends well and we sat by a bonfire and he stroked my thumb.....I was gagging to get to bed with him.
Time to leave - he asked if I wanted to go back to his place or mine - I said mine - fucking idiot. He had a sleep out at the back of a huge section - I was still at home with Mum and my single bed in my little girls room. Arrrggghhhhh. I should have said "yours". And then all the way home I had the chance to tell him that - the complete other side of town.
So we had a coffee and then he said he should get going.....we kissed and he touched my left breast....that was it. I didn't hear from him for a while. He said he respected me to much and his dad had said it wasn't a good idea to 'screw with the crew' - not that his Dad used that phrase. He said he was really really attracted to me.
Oh just once, once would have been 'nice' I didn't care about all that - I just wanted to fuck him. Although once wouldn't have been enough.
I haven't thought about him for about 20 years and here I am married and I just cannot stop thinking about him and the what ifs and what might have been. I've seen a recent photo of him - he looks just the same (only 20 years older). I wonder if he's married, been married, divorced?
Is this a mid-life crisis thing? Or dissatisfaction with my marriage. I don't know....why now? Why suddenly after taking these pills?
My dreams have changed.....instead of distressing, exhausting dreams...I dream of cake decorating....that has to be a good thing...right?! :)
