I felt quite good for three days in the the New Year - then everyone went back to work and their 'normal' lives......leaving me feeling very aware of how 'abnormal' I am.
I started to completely freak out - hysterical crying.....extreme paralysing fear. Went back to the psychiatrist who recommended a very low dose (12.5 mg) of quetiapine (aka Seroquel). THAT WAS AWFUL. The first night I felt really good as I came home from the LIFE course and was almost a little excited by the 'promise' of this wonder drug....as it was extolled. Took my first dose despite my extreme medication fears. Woke in the middle of the night to feeling VERY strange......I was in a huge panic yet my body felt paralysed and I was strangely calm all at once. Very very scary. The next morning I did not want to be left alone - I was extremely freaked. The emergency psych team called me and convinced me to take my next dose on the phone...........I was paralysed with fear again. A bureau nurse had to be sent around to keep an eye on me and help me for the rest of the day. I felt terrible. Didn't take any more Quetaipine.
That night I had the strangest 'racing' thoughts.....only they weren't racing in the sense I thought most people meant.....they were in hyper-drive and a single thought about the strangest things would last a split second.....apricots, woman in brown pants, hot sand....I can't remember...thousands and thousands of fleeting thoughts and images.........I didn't sleep at all the night.
So things went from bad to worse - I couldn't be left alone.....half of me became suicidal.....I looked at all the pills I had available. ***** had to come home from work. My arms and legs developed strange contractions, spasms and twitches. They would jerk....I just about be asleep and then jerk - wide awake again. Would wake up with sewing-machine leg (right one) in the morning.
Psychiatrist and key worker suggested I go into day respite care - it seemed like a good idea at first - people to hold my hand while I started to try to do things I used to like - walks, arts and crafts.
I started on the Monday....that day was awful - 'status panicus' all day long. Unsurprisingly, I didn't sleep at all that Monday night. DH drove me to respite care on Tuesday - but I was terrified to go in - I couldn't face another day like the one before. DH and support person had to drag me in - my legs went paralytic - both left and right like sewing machines.....I couldn't walk. I was given a clonazepam and slept in an available room upstairs. That afternoon I was a bit better - but zombie like: the clonazepam seems to do that to me.
Another go at respite on the Wednesday - started off OK; walked in myself - no tears. Didn't last long - got tense and panicky listening to the new live in person - schizophrenia....to add to the bipolar and depression mix. I've never met a real live one before ......it's an absolutely devastating disorder. Scary. It took me a long time to figure out what ****'* disorder was. His tongue did strange repetitive movements and he was praying and was fanatically evangelistic .......it was very very tiring to see and hear. Apparently I am a good person and will have eternal life because he was Jesus and he gets to say who get eternal life. It was useful for me to experience and know that my disorder is well.....different to that. And besides....unless things have changed.....my brain ventricles are OK.
I had strange numb patches today - on my forearm, my shin and the left side of my head - definitely signs of a neurological disorder I was thinking!!
Thursday was awful too - a second schizophrenic who believed he was a member of the SAS. I shut myself in the arts and crafts room for the day. I had bad nausea and stiffness ALL day. Managed to fall asleep on the couch for an hour or so.
Friday - decided I wasn't going to go and would look after our Son. Thought I was having prodromal heart attack symptoms all day.
Probably more respite for DH anyway - so that he could go to work and have some peace from my frantic texts, calls and emails!
