SPCA Cupcake Day
iPhone 4 Birthday cake for my brother
Thank you cupcakes
Castle Cake
End of season Soccer cupcakes
Lightning McQueen Cake
.......and an update 08/10/2012 ....preparing to make my son's Angry Birds birthday cake
Tuesday 28 August 2012
Thursday 23 August 2012
Images of how my head feels
How my head feels - I've wanted to paint something akin to the above picture....a combination of having my head in a vice and exploding because of the pressure!
Tuesday 14 August 2012
Ladyhawke - ANXIETY - lyrics
"Anxiety"
I take a pill to help me through the day
I stay inside until I feel okay
I’ve always been so cautious
But I’m sick of feeling nauseous
It’s not that I am losing
This wall of my own choosing
Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
Meet me on the road, tell me all you know
I’m here on my own
Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
You’ve got away with my anxiety
It’s yours to take back
I walk alone, I stumble to the beat
My stack of drums are always on repeat
You never win when losing is a game
Inside your head there’s no one else to blame
I’ve always been so cautious
But I’m sick of feeling nauseous
It’s not that I am losing
This wall of my own choosing
Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
Meet me on the road, tell me all you know
I’m here on my own
Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
You’ve got away with my anxiety
It’s yours to take back
You’ve got away with my anxiety
It’s yours to take back
Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
Meet me on the road, tell me all you know
I’m here on my own
Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
You’ve got away with my anxiety
It’s yours to take back
I stay inside until I feel okay
I’ve always been so cautious
But I’m sick of feeling nauseous
It’s not that I am losing
This wall of my own choosing
Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
Meet me on the road, tell me all you know
I’m here on my own
Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
You’ve got away with my anxiety
It’s yours to take back
I walk alone, I stumble to the beat
My stack of drums are always on repeat
You never win when losing is a game
Inside your head there’s no one else to blame
I’ve always been so cautious
But I’m sick of feeling nauseous
It’s not that I am losing
This wall of my own choosing
Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
Meet me on the road, tell me all you know
I’m here on my own
Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
You’ve got away with my anxiety
It’s yours to take back
You’ve got away with my anxiety
It’s yours to take back
Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
Meet me on the road, tell me all you know
I’m here on my own
Take me on a ride
Show me how to hide the voice in my head
You’ve got away with my anxiety
It’s yours to take back
I think I have developed tolerance (to clonazepam)
The thoughts about dropping dead had stopped for a while - or rather they came and went and I wasn't bothered by them. I put that down to the clonazepam. Now - they are back with a vengeance, I'm not sleeping well - having panic again, visual disturbance feeling sick, hot and cold. I suspect I've become tolerant to the dose - I say this because of the return of the above problems and because the drowsiness has eased (only to be replaced with my usual fatigue).
And I feel really really depressed, crying all the time - I just want to go to sleep and wake up when its all gone. I need peace. I can't focus, I can't, or don't want to, move. Night sweats last night sore chest and fear of dying all back.
I've read that clonazepam can make depression worse.
I'm so upset - I thought I was doing better...............now I feel like I might have gotten myself stuck in a tolerance, dependence, addiction drug hell spiral ~!~!
And I feel really really depressed, crying all the time - I just want to go to sleep and wake up when its all gone. I need peace. I can't focus, I can't, or don't want to, move. Night sweats last night sore chest and fear of dying all back.
I've read that clonazepam can make depression worse.
I'm so upset - I thought I was doing better...............now I feel like I might have gotten myself stuck in a tolerance, dependence, addiction drug hell spiral ~!~!
Wednesday 8 August 2012
Strange daze (days)
Strange things are happening to my thinking. No longer am I obsessing over being about to drop dead....I'm obsessing about things lost....lost jewellery, lost opportunities....not the big ones like loss by death or separation.
Example - lost jewellery. When I was a little girl of about six or seven I was given a necklace with a stylised cat pendant. I loved that necklace.....one day I was playing at my bedroom window and it dropped outside in the garden.....we were never able to find it.
This is what it looked like.....I'm going to have to get me another. I found one online...not too expensive to have it shipped from the States!
Example - lost opportunity. When I was working in a bakery at about age 18 - I had a huge crush on the boss' son (10 years older). I was so horny for him....envisaged us making love. He would go out of his way to talk with me. Pull up in his car even and offer me a lift the few hundred metres home. I was such a dim-wit that I would always turn him down - "It's ok thanks...it's not far" Duh.....and I'd beat myself up.....I could have been rooting him silly in the back of his car or somewhere - not walking home by myself. Argghhhhh.
Several months went by with me all love sick and him being flirty - until finally he asked me if I would like to go a friends BBQ with him. Would I?????!!!!! OMG (only we didn't have acronyms then).
We had a great day/evening, I got on his with his friends well and we sat by a bonfire and he stroked my thumb.....I was gagging to get to bed with him.
Time to leave - he asked if I wanted to go back to his place or mine - I said mine - fucking idiot. He had a sleep out at the back of a huge section - I was still at home with Mum and my single bed in my little girls room. Arrrggghhhhh. I should have said "yours". And then all the way home I had the chance to tell him that - the complete other side of town.
So we had a coffee and then he said he should get going.....we kissed and he touched my left breast....that was it. I didn't hear from him for a while. He said he respected me to much and his dad had said it wasn't a good idea to 'screw with the crew' - not that his Dad used that phrase. He said he was really really attracted to me.
Oh just once, once would have been 'nice' I didn't care about all that - I just wanted to fuck him. Although once wouldn't have been enough.
I haven't thought about him for about 20 years and here I am married and I just cannot stop thinking about him and the what ifs and what might have been. I've seen a recent photo of him - he looks just the same (only 20 years older). I wonder if he's married, been married, divorced?
Is this a mid-life crisis thing? Or dissatisfaction with my marriage. I don't know....why now? Why suddenly after taking these pills?
My dreams have changed.....instead of distressing, exhausting dreams...I dream of cake decorating....that has to be a good thing...right?! :)
Example - lost jewellery. When I was a little girl of about six or seven I was given a necklace with a stylised cat pendant. I loved that necklace.....one day I was playing at my bedroom window and it dropped outside in the garden.....we were never able to find it.
This is what it looked like.....I'm going to have to get me another. I found one online...not too expensive to have it shipped from the States!
Example - lost opportunity. When I was working in a bakery at about age 18 - I had a huge crush on the boss' son (10 years older). I was so horny for him....envisaged us making love. He would go out of his way to talk with me. Pull up in his car even and offer me a lift the few hundred metres home. I was such a dim-wit that I would always turn him down - "It's ok thanks...it's not far" Duh.....and I'd beat myself up.....I could have been rooting him silly in the back of his car or somewhere - not walking home by myself. Argghhhhh.
Several months went by with me all love sick and him being flirty - until finally he asked me if I would like to go a friends BBQ with him. Would I?????!!!!! OMG (only we didn't have acronyms then).
We had a great day/evening, I got on his with his friends well and we sat by a bonfire and he stroked my thumb.....I was gagging to get to bed with him.
Time to leave - he asked if I wanted to go back to his place or mine - I said mine - fucking idiot. He had a sleep out at the back of a huge section - I was still at home with Mum and my single bed in my little girls room. Arrrggghhhhh. I should have said "yours". And then all the way home I had the chance to tell him that - the complete other side of town.
So we had a coffee and then he said he should get going.....we kissed and he touched my left breast....that was it. I didn't hear from him for a while. He said he respected me to much and his dad had said it wasn't a good idea to 'screw with the crew' - not that his Dad used that phrase. He said he was really really attracted to me.
Oh just once, once would have been 'nice' I didn't care about all that - I just wanted to fuck him. Although once wouldn't have been enough.
I haven't thought about him for about 20 years and here I am married and I just cannot stop thinking about him and the what ifs and what might have been. I've seen a recent photo of him - he looks just the same (only 20 years older). I wonder if he's married, been married, divorced?
Is this a mid-life crisis thing? Or dissatisfaction with my marriage. I don't know....why now? Why suddenly after taking these pills?
My dreams have changed.....instead of distressing, exhausting dreams...I dream of cake decorating....that has to be a good thing...right?! :)
Clonazepam zombie daze
Well....I completely flipped on Tuesday of last week. I was about to turn 41 on the Thursday, my husband was to be away for work again. On the Monday I felt I had better go and see my doctor because I had two big pustulous sores in my right ear - I couldn't hear properly. I panicked outside the doctors and then again in the waiting room.....I came over all hot and shaky and flu like and was convinced that this was the moment I was going to die.
I got up and somehow made my way over to reception and said something like: "Err I'm having a bit of a panic attack". The receptionist must have seen it all before because she quickly and discretely whisked me away to the nurses station - where they took my temp and other vitals and rendered me to be fine (apart from the panic).
Saw my GP about my ear and got a prescription for ear drops - well...EYE drops.....to put in my ear. Then we talked about my anxiety. yes...it had gone from bad to worse again. I said I was going to call my psychiatrist to have my medication reassessed. So my GP called herself because she didn't think I would - smart lady!
Tuesday morning....crying , crying, crying and more panic - a nurse from the community mental health centre had to come and get me. Took me to see the new psychiatric registrar.
Long story short - I was to up my Fluoxetine to 60mg and start taking Clonazepam (Paxam, Klonopin, Rivotril) twice a day for a few week - to try and dampen/suppress the anxiety and panic and enable my body to recover. I was to take 0.5 mg twice a day but 0.25 twice a day is rendering me a zombie!
I know Marceline is a vampire - but she has a zombie dog - Schwabl!
Well something like that sure is happening - I CANNOT physically have a panic attack, I'm now a zombie. I keep wanting/needing to lie down and I've slept much of the past week - day and night. My head and body feel leaden. Well at least I've stopped fighting now......my body is getting rest - I think...that is if these pills are screwing with me. I don't even care....that's how lax they've made me feel.
Probably the most unpleasant birthday I've ever had despite all the wonderful things other people did for me :(
I've been told that the sedation will pass as I get used to the drug and it will continue to exert its anxiolytic effect. Hope these headaches go too.....maybe its all just residual muscle tension and my body has a lot of catching up to do????
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