Oh God...I thought a D and C was supposed to clean you out. I'm bleeding more now than the first few days afterwards - and clots. I just went to the bathroom and a gush of blood and clots came out. I was given a number to call at the hospital if I was at all concerned. After speaking with what sounded like a 12 year old nurse I feel even more concerned. In fact I'm shit scared.
I might as well have opted for waiting for Mother Nature the amount of stuff that seems to be coming out. There was less than this after giving birth! Period like pains too. Apparently I might have retained products of conception and my uterus might be trying to expel everything itself. However...I could start to haemorrhage or I might need another bloody D and C to rectify things.......OMG I sincerely hope not. I thought that was the point of the D and C - to get rid of everything. :(
Feeling very upset, scared and angry today. Crying all the time - I think I have postnatal depression now too. It's all too much...I can't bear to even look outside - everything hurts my eyes....too bright. This morning I wanted to die.....I just feel that it would be easier for everyone - no need to pay back the scholarship funds I've been granted already. It is my gorgeous son who keeps me going......oh please, please make this all stop so that I can enjoy him.......PLEASE...PLEASE
Monday 30 April 2012
Friday 27 April 2012
Go away world
Today I have no patience or tolerance. Noise hurts me. My head is sore and my right eye is weeping. My low back is throbbing with pain and it feels like someone is intermittently stabbing my uterus with a knife (which in a sense was what was done two days ago). And I'm sick and tired of the tinnitus in my left ear - it sounds to me like I have a cicada stuck in there - I used to love sound of cicadas; they reminded me of long hot summers!!
I feel empty and miserable still. I don't want to see anyone - can't deal with the incessant texts coming from one particular person. I'm exhausted. I'm sad. I don't want to move. I can't even bring myself to treat myself to a nice coffee.
I want the whole world to go away along with the cicada in my ear, stabbing pains up my bum and in lower back and the knife in my uterus. The headache and the depression.
Cry cry cry
I feel empty and miserable still. I don't want to see anyone - can't deal with the incessant texts coming from one particular person. I'm exhausted. I'm sad. I don't want to move. I can't even bring myself to treat myself to a nice coffee.
I want the whole world to go away along with the cicada in my ear, stabbing pains up my bum and in lower back and the knife in my uterus. The headache and the depression.
Cry cry cry
Thursday 26 April 2012
Empty
Well its been done. I've had the D and C - or as the surgeon wrote - 'evacuation of uterus'.
Going in there I was terrified. I had been not-so-secretly hoping that I would begin to miscarry naturally. I felt scared that the anaesthesia would kill me and I would never see my gorgeous son again.
I discussed local with sedation versus general with the anaesthetist and was told they both carried the same risks. Armed with plenty of information I opted to be completely out to it!
Next thing I recall is calling the nurse by the wrong name...then starting to cry. It was all over - I was empty.
Long awaited cup of coffee, a sandwich, cheese and crackers and a biscuit I was a little better (I'd had to fast all day) - albeit slightly woozy and unsteady.
An hour and a half after admission and I was able to go home. DH had bought a cute cuddly toy. I cried a little. We got home and I got a hot water bottle for comfort and took some panadol. Pain wasn't too bad.
No sleep that night - my mind was racing and I was a little uncomfortable. I kept having visions of waffles and Lego minifigures (not at the same time).
Next day - I wasn't too bad....I actually felt a little relieved that it was all over and I might be able to start getting life back on track again. We went to an ANZAC parade and to the beach. A lovely warm sunny day.
Today - I feel sad, lonely and empty. I don't have the feeling of relief anymore. The physical pain is now minimal as is the bleeding. My breasts are hard and sore - its as if my body thinks there has been a birth :( I'm having drenching night sweats that I presume are related to hormone imbalance. Maybe this is all just hormonal and I need to wait for them settle?!
I'm also feeling angry at my supervisor who said to me:
"think of it this way - my niece had a miscarriage at the other end - a still birth"
Well yes, that must be an extremely traumatic experience and it does put things in perspective but THANKS FOR MINIMISING OUR PAIN.
I'm trying to think of something nice to do for myself - all I can think of is spending money! Perhaps I could get some new clothes once the bloating and sore boobs are sorted. I thought about going to the Garden Centre and getting some plants - but I'm feeling agoraphobic again. A massage - no means going to the panic inducing mall.......
Since I've been cleaned out I'll just stay home and clean out the house!
Going in there I was terrified. I had been not-so-secretly hoping that I would begin to miscarry naturally. I felt scared that the anaesthesia would kill me and I would never see my gorgeous son again.
I discussed local with sedation versus general with the anaesthetist and was told they both carried the same risks. Armed with plenty of information I opted to be completely out to it!
Next thing I recall is calling the nurse by the wrong name...then starting to cry. It was all over - I was empty.
Long awaited cup of coffee, a sandwich, cheese and crackers and a biscuit I was a little better (I'd had to fast all day) - albeit slightly woozy and unsteady.
An hour and a half after admission and I was able to go home. DH had bought a cute cuddly toy. I cried a little. We got home and I got a hot water bottle for comfort and took some panadol. Pain wasn't too bad.
No sleep that night - my mind was racing and I was a little uncomfortable. I kept having visions of waffles and Lego minifigures (not at the same time).
Next day - I wasn't too bad....I actually felt a little relieved that it was all over and I might be able to start getting life back on track again. We went to an ANZAC parade and to the beach. A lovely warm sunny day.
Today - I feel sad, lonely and empty. I don't have the feeling of relief anymore. The physical pain is now minimal as is the bleeding. My breasts are hard and sore - its as if my body thinks there has been a birth :( I'm having drenching night sweats that I presume are related to hormone imbalance. Maybe this is all just hormonal and I need to wait for them settle?!
I'm also feeling angry at my supervisor who said to me:
"think of it this way - my niece had a miscarriage at the other end - a still birth"
Well yes, that must be an extremely traumatic experience and it does put things in perspective but THANKS FOR MINIMISING OUR PAIN.
I'm trying to think of something nice to do for myself - all I can think of is spending money! Perhaps I could get some new clothes once the bloating and sore boobs are sorted. I thought about going to the Garden Centre and getting some plants - but I'm feeling agoraphobic again. A massage - no means going to the panic inducing mall.......
Since I've been cleaned out I'll just stay home and clean out the house!
Saturday 21 April 2012
Missed Miscarriage - D&C here I come :(
It's been confirmed. The embryo has died but the gestational sac is still developing. This means that by some cruel misunderstanding by my body - I'm still getting morning sickness and assorted aches and pains.
Tuesday I will have a D and C - I can't stand to wait for Mother Nature to take her course - it could take weeks and I'll have to pass and look at clots. Same goes for medical management i.e misoprostol - pain clots etc; more scans to make sure all pregnancy tissue has passed.
I'm utterly miserable, my hormones are completely fucked up - no wonder I feel like shit. Big fat :(
Tuesday I will have a D and C - I can't stand to wait for Mother Nature to take her course - it could take weeks and I'll have to pass and look at clots. Same goes for medical management i.e misoprostol - pain clots etc; more scans to make sure all pregnancy tissue has passed.
I'm utterly miserable, my hormones are completely fucked up - no wonder I feel like shit. Big fat :(
Wednesday 18 April 2012
hCG not increasing - you are likely to miscarry
Had a visit with my GP yesterday. My hCG levels aren't increasing. My doctor said she is really sorry but these results are not looking good. I'm supposed to have another blood test today (what's the point?) and a confirmatory scan tomorrow at midday (more likely to show something either way). Then we'll decide what to do - wait and let Mother Nature take her course, take an aborticant pill or have a D&C.
I feel absolutely terrible all over. So many confusing emotions. Tonnes of 'what ifs' - what if they are wrong? What if I didn't use that thrush cream? What if the dead tissue causes a serious infection? I feel so lonely, so alone.
Scan tomorrow at midday - but my husband says - 'Thursday is my busiest day - there's no way I'll be able to be there'. Great - fuck you......I'll continue to deal with this all on my own shall I? Of course you can't be there - work is far more important than your family!! FUCK YOU.
Then he has a change of mind - I can be there if you pick me up and drop me back - I'll just use my lunch hour. Gee thanks.
I want to shut my eyes and wake up when this is all over.
I feel absolutely terrible all over. So many confusing emotions. Tonnes of 'what ifs' - what if they are wrong? What if I didn't use that thrush cream? What if the dead tissue causes a serious infection? I feel so lonely, so alone.
Scan tomorrow at midday - but my husband says - 'Thursday is my busiest day - there's no way I'll be able to be there'. Great - fuck you......I'll continue to deal with this all on my own shall I? Of course you can't be there - work is far more important than your family!! FUCK YOU.
Then he has a change of mind - I can be there if you pick me up and drop me back - I'll just use my lunch hour. Gee thanks.
I want to shut my eyes and wake up when this is all over.
Thursday 12 April 2012
My GP called.....the results say a 'questionable foetal pole' - 'no heartbeat seen - cannot confirm or deny viability'. I'm to have blood tests to trace hCG and re-scan in a week.
GP said there are two possibilities here - that our dates are too early or I will miscarry. She said to hope for the former. I'm not convinced our dates are out because I was testing every day until I got a BFP!!! And it doesn't explain the gestational sac measuring pretty much correct.
Still we wait - so hard for me to be positive when I've been such a Negative Nellie of late.
GP said there are two possibilities here - that our dates are too early or I will miscarry. She said to hope for the former. I'm not convinced our dates are out because I was testing every day until I got a BFP!!! And it doesn't explain the gestational sac measuring pretty much correct.
Still we wait - so hard for me to be positive when I've been such a Negative Nellie of late.
Blighted Ovum?
Well....had a dating ultrasound yesterday (7 weeks exactly). A gestational sac was seen on abdominal ultrasound but the sonographer couldn't see anything within it. I was allowed to empty my bladder and she switched to intravaginal ultrasound. Again - the gestational sac but it seemed like she was spending forever looking at an empty sac. I said - 'Oh it doesn't look like there is anything in there'. She didn't say much other than maybe the dates are wrong - but I saw the gestational sac was measuring 6 weeks 4 days. Normally a yolk sac and tiny foetus are seen by this stage - especially with transvaginal. See zoomed right in and measured a tiny cluster of cells. Mumbled something about coming back for another scan in a week to 10 days and having my hcG blood levels checked.Couldn't detect a foetal heartbeat. So I'm thinking - this isn't looking good. The sonographer couldn't even look at me - there was awkward thank yous and we left. I burst into tears and explained to DH but he always sees things on the bright side.
I looked up 'normal 6 week scans and found these as a typical images:
Ultrasound picture at 6 weeks and 1 day of gestation
Yolk sac is seen to the left of the fetal pole (fetus)
Foetus has CRL, crown-rump length, of 4.3 mm (between cursors)
Foetal heartbeats were seen during these scans
My scan images looked more like these images of 'blighted ova' - actually - the bit she measured didn't even look this distinct.
More like this:
Ans so we anxiously wait. And in the meantime I have pain on my right side again; had bright red blood in my stools and have period like pains. I still have morning sickness symptoms but I fear they are a little less. So unfair to have been so sick with morning sickness if a baby isn't going to eventuate. I'm also feeling dizzy - but that could be depression/anxiety again.
P.S. I did end up miscarrying (by D and C) and the after effects are still apparent (17/06/2012)
I looked up 'normal 6 week scans and found these as a typical images:
Ultrasound picture at 6 weeks and 1 day of gestation
Yolk sac is seen to the left of the fetal pole (fetus)
Foetus has CRL, crown-rump length, of 4.3 mm (between cursors)
Foetal heartbeats were seen during these scans
More like this:
Ans so we anxiously wait. And in the meantime I have pain on my right side again; had bright red blood in my stools and have period like pains. I still have morning sickness symptoms but I fear they are a little less. So unfair to have been so sick with morning sickness if a baby isn't going to eventuate. I'm also feeling dizzy - but that could be depression/anxiety again.
P.S. I did end up miscarrying (by D and C) and the after effects are still apparent (17/06/2012)
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